⚠️ This post was translated from my native language using a machine translator, so forgive me for any grammatical errors.
Hello lemmy!
I’m struggling with a certain problem and don’t know what to do, so I’m seeking help here. However, before I describe the issue, let me outline our current family situation. I am 18 years old, my mom is around 40 but closer to 50, and she’s a wonderful, kind woman. About 5 years ago, I introduced my mom to the world of the internet and computer games. She plays various multiplayer games and meets new people through Discord.
Some time ago (around a year), she met a guy (around 20 years old) from an authoritarian, harsh country. They have been talking and texting each other for over a year, with almost constant contact. They reply to each other’s messages almost instantly, within seconds.
This guy, she met, eventually shared with her that his mother passed away a few years ago, he has no father, and he’s struggling, living with his aunt and cousin. Allegedly, his aunt treats him poorly, forces him to pursue studies he’s not interested in, and there are constant disputes, with his belongings taken away as punishment (e.g., phone, laptop). In short, a dysfunctional family.
One day, during a conversation with my mom, this guy mentioned that she reminds him a lot of his mother in character and voice. Somehow, it turned into him treating my mom as his own, over the internet.
Then my mom asked me and my siblings if we have any objections to calling him our brother and showing him love, as he is currently a mistreated orphan. Since it was just an online relationship, I agreed. After all, what harm could it do? If it makes someone feel better, why not? And so, my mom, my siblings, and I virtually adopted a guy from the internet.
Everything was fine until my mom suggested he escape from his authoritarian country, where he’s having a hard time, and stay with us for a while to find stable work and housing.
Here’s where things heated up. Initially, my mom wanted to give him a place in my room. When I said I didn’t want a stranger from the internet in my room, she started arguing that I called him a brother and that she knows him well, and ultimately, it’s her house, so she sets the rules.
I tried to explain my perspective, that it’s just an online acquaintance, and many things can be hidden online, but physical acquaintance is entirely different. However, she insists, arguing that she knows people who knew each other online for a long time and got married immediately upon meeting in person. She also mentioned that they (my mom end my virtual brother) had many arguments during that time, and in arguments, everything about a person comes out, so she would have noticed if he were a bad person.
Then she told me that I’m the only one causing problems about this, and my siblings and father have no objections.
I have him added as a friend on Discord. I don’t really enjoy talking to him because we don’t have common topics. He can’t play games because his current family took away his laptop as a punishment, but my mom forces me to chat with him…
Almost every conversation about him ends up in an argument between my mom and me.
Honestly, I don’t know what to think about it. What should I do? Has my mom gone mad? Or maybe I lack empathy and can’t help someone in need? And if I’m right, how do I talk to her? 😪
Then she told me that I’m the only one causing problems about this, and my siblings and father have no objections.
Maybe suggest that one of those without a problem should be volunteered to support this guy and invite him into their bedroom.
Otherwise I don’t know what to tell you. Trying to help people is extremely hard, extremely draining. You absolutely have to have boundaries when you’re helping people.
So the right thing here, while you have that healthy sense of the wrongness of this arrangement, is to stick to your guns.
Your mother should not be volunteering you for charity. Nobody has the right to volunteer anyone else’s resources for charity. So if you don’t like the guy or feel personally inclined to help him, don’t.
That kind of help only helps when it’s genuine. People volunteering others for this kind of thing leads to burnout.
It’s okay to give. Just not when it feels wrong to you. That means there’s some resource of your own that, even if you aren’t consciously aware of, will get depleted by doing the help.
I hate to say it but yes, your mom sounds like she’s gotten a bit too attached to this guy. Sounds like a common online scammer. Has she given him any money? Let me guess, he’s probably told her he just needs a little bit of money for a plane ticket and they can be together
No no no, nothing like that. He is not asking for anything himself. My mother has sent him a couple of times a few dozen dollars supposedly of her own free will, which he didn’t ask for, and he is said to be very grateful for them. He even sends her proof of purchases of what he buys with that money comparing prices and choosing the cheapest products (because the country he lives in is poor).
Yeah, he’s going to ask for more. He’ll need money for a plane ticket, and a train ticket to the airport, and his mom will find and take the money so he’ll need more, and then he’ll need to bribe someone along the way, and someone will rob him, and and and and and …
He is making your mom send it in her own will of course barring that he actually is a nice guy.
Until you said he sent her proof of purchase, etc, i was on the side of ‘maybe not a scammer,’ but once you said that, the alarm bells started ringing again.
Dont trust this person. His story is likely fabricated and tailored to pull at your mums heart strings. He is manipulating her. What you need is picture evidence of who this person is. Or better a video call. That will prove he is at least who he has described himself as.
Your mom doesn’t really know him, even though she thinks she does. She has a big heart, but the idea is dangerous. Without knowing the countries involved, there could be legal issues with him moving too.
I’m curious, she states that she has argued with him in the past and that it would’ve revealed the kind of person he is.
What have they argued about in the past? I would almost say that having argued with someone multiple times that you don’t even live with is a red flag for happening at all, instead of a green flag that he’s not a bad person. I’m curious if the context of their argument would make more or less sense.
This is a good point! I’ll ask her
Are you seriously saying that people dont argue over the internet? Is this your first day?
I don’t mean random opinionated internet comment arguments. If I think about online acquaintances that I actually message privately, like Discord, then I don’t argue with any of those people ever. The people I actually privately want to know and have added as friends, anybody who id even come close to calling, for instance, “brother”, I don’t argue with any of those people.
Random dude on a message board who has awful takes, of course, but I don’t add that guy and send him money or consider letting him move into my house.
I mean sure, if you talk about common interests with people youre less likely to argue, but if you build actual relationships and communicate a lot, arguments are bound to happen. Not arguing with people you are actually close with seems unnatural, whether on the internet or in person.
I think it depends. I’m very logical and my brain likes to identify issues and cleanly solve them. Arguing in circles is a waste of time and energy. Basically, it’s complicated. I think the nature and frequency of the arguments are important to get a better idea of OP’s situation, that’s why I asked.
Arguing in circles is a waste of time and energy.
So you’re saying I waste your time?? I thought you liked me!
He’s grooming your mom and now your mom is ‘grooming’/readying her entire family, so he can run away from his situation in his home country and start again. The question is this: why is he running away? He has a roof over his head, he’s an adult, his aunt is forcing him to study so he can get a decent job?
Sorry this is ridiculous, he just thinks he wants an easier life and sees your mom as a way to get it. If he gets into your home, he won’t be getting a job, he’ll be playing games all day and eating food and doing nothing. Because that’s what he wants, to be taken care of.
I’m all for giving people opportunities, but this guy has no plan, beyond living with your mom. Also, again, he’s not a ‘kid.’ He’s an adult, let him figure things out for himself, or else he’ll always look for the easiest solutions and be a major problem for your family. Yes, he’s scamming your mom. Show her alle these responses and tell her to grow up and protect her kids lika an adult should do.
Immigration is slow for skilled workers in fields with high demand. For someone who is “studying” and has no skills, it would take years to get a work visa legally, if even possible at all. I agree that you will probably never see this man in your house, and are more at risk of your mom sending money to a scammer who disappears once he collects all he can.
In the event that this legitimately progresses further than what everyone else’s advice covers, then you may need to get child protective services involved if any of your siblings are younger than you. Bringing a non-resident into your country, and potentially boarding them in a shared room with minor children? CPS is not going to look at that in a positive light. Even if it is legal for her to help this person in some capacity, CPS might spook your mom back to her senses before it can get to that point.
You fucked up when you taught your mom how to use discord mate . There is a reason some people should never know how to use technology .
I’d say be vigilant for him asking for money to get out of his country and try to stop it. As a precaution, try to google him - his discord name or if he gave you his real name. If he is scammer (which is not unlikely) he’s probably done this to others already. It is possible you find something on him specifically if he is a scammer (which sounds like he is). Try to find as much as possible. You can also try to use some of his messages to use in the google search if you can.
I was in a similar situation and I’ve found some messages the scammer sent which were identical to those received by my close one (they would use templates they sent out to multiple people). This was the only proof that managed to plant seeds of doubt and I then managed to make other cracks from there. Your mom sounds to be pretty deep so dig as deep as you possibly can for as much info you can is my personal advice.
Good news is there probably isn’t any kid that plans to move to your room - bad news is there is risk of your mom losing her money and possibly get in debt as well. Sadly if this is true, your job is to prevent it. If you have other relatives you and she trust and will see this as an issue, ask them for help - since you already treated the scammer negatively in her eyes, she is less likely to trust you alone.
Good luck. It’s not easy but can be done.
Your mom is what we call a sucker
I had a similar situation except I was the dude (but 30 at the time) and I banged the crap outta my version of your mom for a week straight when I went to visit her.
My experiences in life echo this poster. When your new step-bro comes to stay with you, or even just visit, it’s safe to assune that any time you leave your mother with him, he’s going to be slapping his meat on your mother’s curves. And yours, too, should you ever get stuck in the laundry machine
These must be very comforting words for this fella!
I honestly do feel for this guy (assuming they’re being completely truthful), but I think getting them to move countries and share a room with your kid is too much of an ask for your kid
Assuming they’re telling the truth
This sounds like it could be a possible scam, but I don’t know enough to be sure
Not mad but possibly premature. In fact, you probably don’t have anything to worry about, the odds aren’t great. There is a reason most authoritarian places have communication restricted.
I would be generally concerned. There are scam operations that are almost exactly like what you described. Scams nowadays aren’t quick - some of them take months to set up, and the scammer talks to the victim (often a middle-aged lady) for weeks to months before they start asking for money. It’s unfortunate the world is like this, but sometimes you have to be callous to other people to protect yourself. I don’t know what I would do in that situation.
I wouldn’t feel safe sleeping in a room with a random internet stranger my mom met over the internet. In fact, I wouldn’t really feel safe sleeping in the same room as people I’ve met while playing internet games and I’ve met some cool people. People can easily fake an internet persona over long periods of time. I don’t feel like this is empathy problem on your part. Trust takes time to build and it’s not something that can really be done over the internet if your entire history with the person is based purely on online interactions.
A man she has never met, online interaction only, being put in the bedroom of her teenage son?
All I can really say to that is ‘bro…’
