⚠️ This post was translated from my native language using a machine translator, so forgive me for any grammatical errors.

Hello lemmy!

I’m struggling with a certain problem and don’t know what to do, so I’m seeking help here. However, before I describe the issue, let me outline our current family situation. I am 18 years old, my mom is around 40 but closer to 50, and she’s a wonderful, kind woman. About 5 years ago, I introduced my mom to the world of the internet and computer games. She plays various multiplayer games and meets new people through Discord.

Some time ago (around a year), she met a guy (around 20 years old) from an authoritarian, harsh country. They have been talking and texting each other for over a year, with almost constant contact. They reply to each other’s messages almost instantly, within seconds.

This guy, she met, eventually shared with her that his mother passed away a few years ago, he has no father, and he’s struggling, living with his aunt and cousin. Allegedly, his aunt treats him poorly, forces him to pursue studies he’s not interested in, and there are constant disputes, with his belongings taken away as punishment (e.g., phone, laptop). In short, a dysfunctional family.

One day, during a conversation with my mom, this guy mentioned that she reminds him a lot of his mother in character and voice. Somehow, it turned into him treating my mom as his own, over the internet.

Then my mom asked me and my siblings if we have any objections to calling him our brother and showing him love, as he is currently a mistreated orphan. Since it was just an online relationship, I agreed. After all, what harm could it do? If it makes someone feel better, why not? And so, my mom, my siblings, and I virtually adopted a guy from the internet.

Everything was fine until my mom suggested he escape from his authoritarian country, where he’s having a hard time, and stay with us for a while to find stable work and housing.

Here’s where things heated up. Initially, my mom wanted to give him a place in my room. When I said I didn’t want a stranger from the internet in my room, she started arguing that I called him a brother and that she knows him well, and ultimately, it’s her house, so she sets the rules.

I tried to explain my perspective, that it’s just an online acquaintance, and many things can be hidden online, but physical acquaintance is entirely different. However, she insists, arguing that she knows people who knew each other online for a long time and got married immediately upon meeting in person. She also mentioned that they (my mom end my virtual brother) had many arguments during that time, and in arguments, everything about a person comes out, so she would have noticed if he were a bad person.

Then she told me that I’m the only one causing problems about this, and my siblings and father have no objections.

I have him added as a friend on Discord. I don’t really enjoy talking to him because we don’t have common topics. He can’t play games because his current family took away his laptop as a punishment, but my mom forces me to chat with him…

Almost every conversation about him ends up in an argument between my mom and me.

Honestly, I don’t know what to think about it. What should I do? Has my mom gone mad? Or maybe I lack empathy and can’t help someone in need? And if I’m right, how do I talk to her? 😪

  • intensely_human@lemm.ee
    0·
    9 months ago

    Then she told me that I’m the only one causing problems about this, and my siblings and father have no objections.

    Maybe suggest that one of those without a problem should be volunteered to support this guy and invite him into their bedroom.

    Otherwise I don’t know what to tell you. Trying to help people is extremely hard, extremely draining. You absolutely have to have boundaries when you’re helping people.

    So the right thing here, while you have that healthy sense of the wrongness of this arrangement, is to stick to your guns.

    Your mother should not be volunteering you for charity. Nobody has the right to volunteer anyone else’s resources for charity. So if you don’t like the guy or feel personally inclined to help him, don’t.

    That kind of help only helps when it’s genuine. People volunteering others for this kind of thing leads to burnout.

    It’s okay to give. Just not when it feels wrong to you. That means there’s some resource of your own that, even if you aren’t consciously aware of, will get depleted by doing the help.