Some guy known only as “The Brazilian”

The only thing I know about him is that he was not Brazilian.

I can answer this halfway.

One of those big glass beer boots (actually shaped like a boot).

on the walk home, I put it down to pee and then after I stumbled back home with my prize I looked confusedly at my empty arms and realized I forgot to pick the boot back up 20 minutes ago and it was still sitting on the sidewalk somewhere in lower zhangjiajie.

lots of plastic straws. not of my own accord, a friend i was out with just kept shoving them into our pockets because she was annoyed at only being able to buy paper straws at the store.

Oh ho ho!

Well, are we talking stuff scored at the bar, or on the drunken stumble back?

Because I have a penchant for grabbing city property that’s been wiped out by some drunk driver already.

Bike racks. Innumerable signs and posts. A fire hydrant, a big fucking fatty, too. Car parts EVERYWHERE That yellow grippy stuff at the crosswalk. Many, many signs and posts. A whole assed traffic light (fucking finally)-not the post. Jesus, not the post. Yes, I tried. A wooden telephone pole (I had help, and we sang chanties while we did it) The lightbox with the little man and hand. It works! So does the traffic light :)

For the record, drinking and driving IS nevada’s state pasttime, and a friend of mine once scored two actual streetlights, posts and all. Bastard tried to sell them to me :/

My ex wife.

Not from a bar directly, but on the walk back from the bars. I picked up a brick paver. They had just finished laying everything down in the courtyard of a new building and there was 1 brick sitting there. I looked for spot to drop that brick into close by, but I didn’t see a spot. So I carried it home!

Took an umbrella. Not like for rain, but for a patio. It was 3m wide and lasted me several years in the back yard.

A man.

A girl.

Borat voice my wiiiiiiiife

Be me: out drinking with friends for several hours.

Be them: acting completely normal.

Be me: drinking makes you pee, so me go pee, many times.

Be us: we’re drunk! Having a great time.

Be them: still acting completely normal.

Be me: say good night and put on my leather jacket.

Be me brain: Damn I’m drunk cuz this thing feels like it weights a ton ! Stumble home.

Be me front door: watching the confused, bemused, astonished drunk reach for his keys and pull lemon after lime after orange out of his pockets, but no keys.

Be me front door glass: Watching him stuff them into his jeans pockets like a never ending clown car of NINE pieces of citrus.

Be me keyhole: Watching drunk-e-poo finally find his keys, and let himself in.

Be me: laughing and drunk and wondering what the hell’s going on…

Be them: laughing their asses off, wondering when I’d finally notice that every time I got up to pee they took whole bar garnish and put it in my pockets.

Not from a bar but I got drunk as a teenager and brought a pair of skis I found back to my Mum’s house. My old room was used as a store room when I moved out and they were in there for like 15 years. I helped clear it out, asked where the hell these skis came from and was reminded of the drunken find I’d totally forgotten.

My wife !

Baddum tshhhhhh

Thanks folks, tip generously and tell your friends I’m here all week.

A sofa, which went into the attic until we moved out. We tried getting it out and made a hole in the wall.

A friend brought home a giant, bright blue, sparkly Mary-in-a-bathtub. We googled it afterwards and found out that it was super valuable, so we brought it back, but it took three of us to get it back there and was much less fun than stealing it.