When I’m frustrated or anxious or upset, I vent to the few friends I have. This is a negative coping mechanism as it damages our relationships. I also experience extreme remorse after doing so, which further perpetuates it because I’m constantly asking to be forgiven.
Earlier this year I tried to see a therapist and ask for advice on this. She dismissed me and said that it’s ok to do that and you can’t simply keep everything inside.
She was incorrect and was also a shitty therapist for various reasons (she was 15-30 minutes late to each session and just dismissed anything I said).
I’m hopefully trying again with a new therapist soon, but I need advice in the meantime. It is actively damaging my relationships.
“Journaling” is not an option because I can’t stop what I’m doing at work to go journal something whenever the need arises.
Thanks all. I can delete on request if needed.
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Vent to an AI?
I do the same. I bitch about work a lot and i really need to stop because i know it makes it hard for my coworkers to stay positive. They hired all new leadership last year and it really really sucks! I don’t understand how other people aren’t also anxious and furious all the time. I’ve tried to avoid talking with coworkers about it and now i vent here.
I was once taught a technique for another problem I had. It worked well for me and could be applicable, so I’ll share:
I was told to imagine a large heavy box that can be locked. It’s helpful to imagine it in detail and make it your own. When a situation comes that would make me have the problem - in your case, something happens that makes you feel like oversharing - put it in the box and lock it.
It’s there in the box and you don’t have to deal with it right now, it’s going to wait for when you have time to deal with it in a healthy way.
Now the important part: find a time in the day when you feel comfortable, just a few peaceful minutes for yourself that you can have regularly every day. Make a coffee, sit down - anything that makes you feel alright.
Every day, in the designated you-time, open the box and take a look inside. Go back to what you’ve locked in there and evaluate. Now you have time to deal with it. Is it something that needs solving? Is it something that makes you feel certain way? Is it as big of a deal as it was when you locked it in?
Now you have time to really deal with the thing that made you upset. You will be better equipped to deal with it in the designated time when you feel alright and can focus on it. Often (though not always) you’ll find the thing shrank or disappeared completely during it’s stay in the box.
I appreciate this strategy, thanks for sharing.
Basically for me?
I stopped doing it because there’s no-one to do it to anymore. They got tired and left.
“Journaling” is not an option because I can’t stop what I’m doing at work to go journal something whenever the need arises.
I don’t quite understand this point. Do you stop what your doing at work in order to vent to your friends?
If not,it seems like you could wait until after work to journal.
I work with my one and only IRL friend. The other friends are online. So I vent to my IRL friend while we are working.
Plus it doesn’t seem to help me anyway.
Oh okay.
Well, I don’t know the answer. Sounds like you’re going to have to find some way to internalize the feelings and engage some coping mechanisms, so that you can file it away emotionally.
Maybe some breathing exercises, or taking a brief moment to meditate quietly in your chair. Or talk it out with your internal voice, which I think is what I do.
I really don’t have much of an answer as I do this too, but I eventually forced myself to stop texting friends to vent and I kinda just vent to no one at all. I’m generally really really hard on myself, like I pretty much loathe who I am, so maybe it’s kinda “easy” for me to not text them anymore because I pretty much just started saying to myself “who the fuck cares what you have to say, you’re just bothering people.” to get myself to stop before I text.
Now I just “bitch” out loud to myself, not yelling or anything really if anything it’s muttering, but it does help to just let it out and move on.
I don’t know if you’re in a situation where that would make you look crazy or not lol I work in a factory with a bunch of angry people so it’s not all that uncommon to hear someone complaining to no one.
Me reading your comment:
Finding a better therapist would help. Also finding the right people to vent to. Some people handle it better than others. You can try even saying, “hey, I’m not looking for advice, I just need to vent, would you mind being an ear?” at least that way you have their permission and they understand that they aren’t expected to fix whatever the issue is. Controlling who you vent to is also a good way to prevent venting to the wrong asshole who can’t shut their mouth.
I know you said no Journaling, but also consider a journal app on your phone or even just a Google docs. It’s a discreet way to vent briefly. I remember also taking a pen and a notebook and writing how I felt over the same line over and over so it wasn’t legible to anybody walking by. It’s likely something you’ll never read again and it’s about letting out the frustration more than anything.
i have one of those spongy yellow smiley balls to whom i vent. it just grins away and doesn’t react otherwise. that leaves me relieved and calm to move on.
as an aside, it’s also a helpful sounding board when i try and explain a problem. i should really give it the name “but why not?”
the people who sell them do not know how accurate the term “stress ball” is for the product.
