inb4 “Baby, don’t hurt me.”

But for real…what do people mean when they say “I love you,” or “Do you love them?” I’m really confused by this because love seems to have such a varying definition. People say love for all sorts of things, and it seems like everyone else understands which definition they’re using in the moment. Here are some examples in which each one has a different meaning:

  • I love pancakes.
  • I love my mother.
  • I love my romantic partner.
  • I love my best friend.
  • I love my career.
  • I love going to the beach.
  • My dog loves me.
  • That couple is in love.
  • Where is the love?

Background: I recently saw an episode of a show (spoiler below) where there was an adolescent heterosexual couple. The girl had a female best friend that she kissed, and is now confused about what she wants. She told her boyfriend about it. The boyfriend then asked her, “Do you love her?” What is he asking? If love means attachment and care, then clearly she does because that’s her best friend. However, since that is so clear, he’s not asking that. What is he asking??

Another specification is when people ask “Do you love them, or are you in love with them?”

I am confused by this term and the whole concept in general. I think I could really use some clarification, examples, or how to know which definition someone is going with when they use it.

Name of show

The show is Atypical on Netflix.

  • henfredemars@infosec.pubEnglish
    0·
    5 months ago

    Many people use the word without reflecting on how they mean to use it. I’ve seen many a relationship fight indirectly over the ambiguity.

  • RBWells@lemmy.world
    0·
    5 months ago

    I think of romantic love as what follows infatuation, if you get there. The continued slow burn of lust, affection and respect for each other.

    Friendly love is care, when you would let yourself be hurt to save a specific other person from being hurt, and are willing to be inconvenienced to do things for them, and trust enough to inconvenience them if you need something.

    Agape - love, love for the world, is both easier and harder to feel. It’s easier to not be annoyed by things and people you don’t personally know, but hard to care so much about them. That universal love feeling , the joy of existence and care for the natural world is also love.

    So yeah English in this regard just doesn’t have (or doesn’t use) different words for different types of love but they are different.

    • dohpaz42@lemmy.worldEnglish
      0·
      5 months ago

      I too don’t feel love; as in I there is not a physiological sensation that I can point to that is distinct for “love”. I know what sadness and anger feel like. I know what it feels like to disassociate from trauma. But I do not have a physical reaction to love.

      I do, however, notice my attitude and behavior toward the things and people I love. I am kinder, more gentle, excited to be with, and would do just about anything for them. I prefer their company over being alone. And even if I’m mad at them, I still “love” them because I still want to be around them.

      Maybe I’m weird and broken or something. I don’t know. But I used to worry that I didn’t have the capacity for love like society suggested I should. But then I realized that I do genuinely love things, even if I can’t feel it.

      • RBWells@lemmy.world
        0·
        5 months ago

        I have heard it said (this might help you) that love is a verb; it is an action, can be something you do more than something you feel. You can show love, without worrying about what you are ‘supposed’ to feel. Also if it helps - I am, as far as I know, pretty normal, and the feeling is not a bash you over the head certainty. It is more like a decision, in a way.

  • z00s@lemmy.world
    0·
    5 months ago

    I think this is a pretty good definition. Heard it on an episode of This American Life. Note that it’s not just about romantic love, but other kinds as well.

    The visionary feminist writer Bell Hooks says love is made up of seven parts. Wherever someone is practicing care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, trust, and open, honest communication, there is love.

  • Bear@lemmynsfw.comEnglish
    0·
    5 months ago

    You answered your own question. It means different things to different people at different times. To know what people mean you must use your basic language comprehension skills or ask them for clarification.

  • SuiXi3D@fedia.io
    0·
    5 months ago

    Love is action.

    You don’t feel love, you show it and recognize when it’s been shown to you. Saying you love someone is just words, but showing you love someone by listening when they need someone to listen or helping them in some other way is proof of love.

  • Mango@lemmy.world
    0·
    5 months ago

    It’s how we bundle together stuff we enjoy with sexual desire and sell it as moral goodness.

  • xia@lemmy.sdf.orgEnglish
    0·
    5 months ago

    For love as a standalone word, “value” is the most drop-in-compatible word. To say “i love you” is to say “i value you”.

    The form of “in love” is a far greater mystery to me, and i usually just consider the speaker to mean something like “obsessed” or “infatuated”.

  • fruitycoder@sh.itjust.works
    0·
    5 months ago

    Different cultures have different takes but greek and Latin define different forms of love. From impulsive maddening love (why cupids arrow was seen so harmful) to dutiful love (the kind made through obligations made through shared commitments and aspirations) to brotherly love (trauma bonds, solidarity, commitment made from shared respect). There is also paternalistic love formed from empathy and a desire to protect. And of course love to describe the deep joy something gives you and desire to have it again.

    When they ask “do you love her?” Based on the context I assume either or both love as a desire for the other or dutiful love, because both can be consuming for many and mean they would struggle to have that the capacity to share that same level of love with their current partner.

    If they don’t and it was an act of lust* or curiosity then they’re partner may feel more comfortable with the commitment to them.

    • impulsive love and desire can be heavily intertwined with sexual desire but that is a whole other interesting discussion to me