How much time have you spent being single?
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
What are / were the pros and cons?
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
If you’re currently not single: Did your goals change after getting into a relationship?
What are the pros and cons?
How long have you gone without being in a romantic relationship?
The first 13 years of my life
How much time have you spent being single?
The aforementioned 13 years, plus sporadic times in my teen years and early adult years. I’ve been in a relationship with my wife since I was 21.
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
N/A
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
Yes, to a certain degree.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros:
1.) I was in control of my own life. I could just decide to do something - anything - and then just do it.
2.) Didn’t have to keep track of finances. If money disappeared from my account, it was because I spent it.
3.) If opportunities to be intimate with someone arose, I could go with the flow and see where the night takes me. I didn’t have to commit to anyone if I didn’t want to.
Cons:
1.) Loneliness. No one to spend your time with.
2.) No one to bounce ideas off of, or introduce interesting plans or events into my life. It made planning for things harder, and encouraged me to be a lazy/messy couch potato instead of going out and being productive.
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Yes.
If you’re currently not single: Did your goals change after getting into a relationship?
Yes, relationships are compromise. Your goals will change. But it may be for the better or worse, depending on your partner.
What are the pros and cons?
Pros:
1.) No longer alone.
2.) I’ve been married to my best friend for 15 years, so every day is fun and exciting.
3.) My wife encourages me to get out and do stuff. I’ve been on trips across Europe, Asia, and America. I’ve been on 3 separate luxury cruise lines; one in the Mediterranean and two in the Caribbean. Without my wife, I would’ve just stayed home and missed out on all those life experiences.
4.) I have shared hobbies with my wife, so I always have a partner for the fun things I want to do.
5.) We also have separate hobbies, so when one of us needs alone time, we both can focus on something we want to do without the other for a while.
6.) We’re more productive together. Alone, we’d just veg out and watch TV or doom scroll the Internet. But together, we can discuss various topics and explore new and fun things together.
7.) Getting laid is easy (unless you’re partner makes it difficult). No more prowling clubs/bars or dating apps and settling for someone just to get your rocks off. You have a willing partner at home who, if you’re in a healthy relationship, should be willing to get down with you most anytime. And you know their sexual history, so no worrying about getting an STI or something.
8.) If you’re in a healthy relationship, you have someone who you can truly be yourself around. You won’t need to put on a mask and pretend to be someone you’re not. It’s quite liberating to have someone who sees you at your worst in the privacy of your own home and still wants to be with you.
Cons:
1.) Every major decision needs to be audited by my partner. I can’t just decide to do something; I need to run it by my wife first. I’m in a healthy relationship, so I can just decide to do stuff on my own all the time and it’s not a big deal. But my relationship is also healthy because I include my wife in my planning, even if she’s not going to be involved. I don’t just run off to “hang out with the boys.” I give her opportunities to be involved, and if she chooses to stay at home instead of come out with me, that’s totally her decision. Or if she needs a night in with me, I cancel plans to spend time with her. I spend enough time with her that it’s not a big deal if I want to go do something on my own every now and then.
2.) I’m legally committed to this relationship (marriage), so if a better opportunity for a relationship comes along, I can’t just see where it takes me. My options are to cheat, or go through a lengthy divorce process before proceeding. Or do nothing and remain loyal to my spouse. It’s too risky/costly to attempt the first two, so I just don’t bother looking for other opportunities. I vowed to be loyal, so unless my wife makes my life a living nightmare, I’m sticking with her until the end.
3.) Aligning life goals can be difficult if you didn’t talk it out before committing to a serious relationship. And in the early years of a relationship, who wants to discuss the rest of your life together? It’s easy to get invested in someone whose life plans don’t match up with yours. So you have to live with compromise. Some dreams, you have to give up. Same goes for your partner.
4.) Unless your partner is responsible with finances, expect to have trouble keeping track of your money. Or just maintain separate bank accounts. Hopefully your partner isn’t a golddigger. My wife cares more about spending time with me than spending my money, so we have a healthy relationship. And there’s nothing wrong with spending money on someone you love. But if it seems like your partner only cares about your money and will leave you if/when the money dries up, it’s better to leave that relationship as soon as possible.
5.) Relationships are a gamble. You never know if it’s going to go smoothly, or if your partner is just using you for something until a better opportunity passes by. Hopefully you have a healthy relationship, and the cornerstone to that is trust and communication. But there are always master manipulators out there who will convince you that you need to stay in a relationship with them, even if it doesn’t make you happy. They’ll convince you that being lonely is worse than being in a broken/abusive relationship. If your partner starts isolating you from friends/family and doesn’t let you make decisions, you’re in an abusive relationship and need to get out immediately!
You sound like you’re in a lovely relationship!
Yes, relationships are compromise. Your goals will change. But it may be for the better or worse, depending on your partner.
What kind of compromises would you consider healthy vs. unhealthy in a partnership?
Healthy: Discussing and evaluating goals, dreams, desires, etc. and coming to a mutually beneficial agreement or understanding on a way forward.
Unhealthy: Being told your dreams/goals/desires/etc. are not reasonable and to give up on them (or change them to the benefit of your partner) for the sake of a continued relationship.
Yes, sometimes to do have to give up on a dream due to changing situations, and it sucks, but it should always be your decision. If someone gives you the ultimatum (choose me or your dreams), there’s no room for discussion or true compromise.
Right now, I’m five and a half years out of my previous one. Basically, recovering and growing up before I start another one.
At this point I’m scared though because it’s been way longer than I thought it would take
Why?
Why what?
Why are you asking this extremely detailed and personal question of strangers on the internet?
People don’t have to give extremely detailed answers (or any answers) about their experience if they don’t want to.
I’m just curious about people’s thoughts about being single, how they view it, along with if being in a relationship lived up to their expectations compared to being single.
I’m a believer in human connections and sharing experiences. Curiosity drives my need for answers and different points of view.
My orientation also makes it difficult to parse answers based my own point of view, so I posted to get answers from folks who more than likely have had a much different experience.
Being single sucks. And internet dating is the only viable option, and the experience is a dumpster fire. It’s miserable, and I want to give up constantly, until the crippling lonliness rears its ugly head for the umpteenth time.
Do you have close friends that you’re able to spend time with?
Rarely
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18 years (the whole life so far).
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I guess a weird combination? I don’t even know what to do. I’d need a precise step-by-step manual…
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No.
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I don’t know. I don’t have what to compare to.
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I don’t understand the question.
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N/A
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N/A
There’s no manual. Just get out there and try, learn from experience.
I didn’t mean it that much as a joke, unfortunately.
I’ve been thinking how to explain this for those 2 hours, but I don’t know.
I just can’t really “just do something”.
What I meant by “step-by-step manual” would be like a plan of exactly what to do, what to say. I can’t even imagine what people do on a date.
Even just trying to start a short conversation is generally a big challenge for me. I sometimes have like 1 or 2 things I want to tell/show to someone, but I may be waiting with that even for weeks.And just trying to talk to someone, it’s like trying to breathe underwater. The brain just stops you from breathing, it’s like my throat just closes and I can’t say a thing.
Also, unfortunately, I have the habit of instinctively replying “I don’t know.” to basically any question.Similarly it’s with doing something for the first time. I usually take time with pre-planning stuff to detail.
For example when I was taking a city bus in a different city I even checked how to take the ticket. What payment system they use, whether I need to press something on the screen, where the ticket comes out of, whether it gets fully or partially cut off. Thankfully, that bus company published videos showcasing their system. (Thank you)
Otherwise I’d be checking on forums, looking at background of news reports from that general area, etc…There’s no good explanation for this. I just… can’t.
I am a terrible person, so it’s probably better this way anyway.Illness, whether physical or mental, does not make someone a terrible human. Social anxiety is incredibly common. Alcohol works as a nice social lubricant on a first date but I’d also recommend seeking formal treatment for your issues. There are medications and therapies that work to handle anxiety (ideally both at the same time)
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How much time have you spent being single?
Not long enough.
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Both.
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
Very much so.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros:
- no more compromises (this covers most of the pros)
- more money in the bank
Cons:
- sometimes I miss someone to share something (both good and bad)
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Nope.
How much time have you spent being single?
Not long enough.
Did you have a bad experience with a relationship recently or something of that nature?
Over a year.
I hate people. Modern dating is a shit show. Not interested.
What makes you hate people?
Currently somewhere around 10 years single.
I struggle with social cues, anxiety, etc.
It’s lonely.
I’ve been single for about 7 years myself & struggle with the same thing.
Would you say that you’re confident in yourself or not so much?
Confidence? Not so much. But it’s less a fear of rejection, and more a fear of upsetting someone.
In short, my thought process goes like this:
- Approaching women can make them uncomfortable.
- I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.
- Therefore, I don’t approach women.
I basically limit myself to online dating, but as we all know, that’s a shit show unless you’re in the top 10% on the scale of attractiveness. And so I’ve been single 10+ years.
About two weeks now, she broke it off cause I fucked up, I know I did.
a few months ago we had sex, it had been building and it was nice, but about a week or two after she said she didn’t want anymore till marriage for religious reasons, which I understood as we both come from Christian backgrounds.
The problem came from my sexual frustration affecting my actions, I tried respecting her boundary but as we would cuddle a lot, I would get aroused and then frustrated with myself.
Two weeks prior to our breakup, I asked if she would let me relieve myself as I tried this the last time we hung out and was much more relaxed, but I didn’t want to force her out of the room to do so
So I asked if she wanted to stay, she first said yes, which I knew was a lie, and I asked her again at which she said no and left the room
She came back a few minutes later and asked to go home, which I took her home feeling awful cause I knew I made her uncomfortable.
Other frustrations with family and financial that I didn’t deal with caused me to act irrationally (generally just irritated) the subsequent weeks, she then broke it off and it took me awhile to realize all of what I had done, I knew I messed up that day, but that wasn’t the only thing.
I should’ve changed my mindset and made her boundary my boundary, and reached out and talked about what was frustrating me instead of dancing around it, I feel awful and want to try and fix it, I miss her family deeply and all I want to do is have dinner with them, sit on the couch and watch a stupid movie.
I’m trying to do other things that make me happy but I’m finding it tough, tried working out but I lose energy quickly, games are feeling dull, my friends that I can still hangout with aren’t available right now and won’t be for months. I’m having trouble finding a job, and I’m considering joining the military, but I’m just tired, so so tired.
People say that it gets better with time, but I just feel like it’s getting worse. Maybe it gets worse before it gets better but idk. She was my first relationship, but we’ve known each other for a long time, and I’ve known her family for just as long, and it feels like a lot of things I love are just gone now.
Sounds like you don’t have the same boundaries or really want the same things. That’s a compatibility issue. Yeah, pushing her boundaries was probably wrong. The right thing to do would’ve been acknowledging you want something different and breaking it off.
And it does get easier with time. Maybe not every day but month by month it gets easier.
Don’t join the military if you weren’t already considering it before the breakup.
I was considering it before we dated, but with my financial problems and job troubles this break up brought it to my mind again
Just recognize that you’re in a difficult situation right now, and don’t let the short-term impact your long-term.
I was in two brief relationships with the same person some 10 years ago. I am single certainly by choice, I’m a sovereign person who loves their absolute independence, I get to do or not do whatever I want, whenever I want. Committing to be with someone is not my thing.
Sometimes it’s lonely when a certain kind of friend is not available. Befriending single people is always a gamble, if they enter a relationship they are likely to fade out of existence pretty quick.
How long have you gone without being in a romantic relationship?
As an adult, probably 1.5 years was the longest without being in a relationship or at least seriously dating.
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Married, so N/A
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
Yes, overall.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros: more time with friends (you should always make time for them and can obviously still interact with them and your partner together but you have to make time for your partner, so there’s less available for friends), time to work on yourself and reflect/improve.
Cons: not having that special emotional connection, having less physical intimacy
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Yes, I guess. Enough of a goal that I tried online dating.
If you’re currently not single: Did your goals change after getting into a relationship?
No, my personal and professional goals are still the same.
I’ve been single for most of my adult life. I prefer it to being in a relationship, as I like myself better single.
How come?
I’m not good partner and it makes me feel bad. I also don’t like the feeling of additional stress that comes in being in a relationship.
Seven years.
I’m going to be an outlier here, since I got a boyfriend at 16 I was single for about 6 months. I dated that boyfriend for 6 years, spent some time single and then started dating my now husband. We were friends before I broke up with my ex, the breakup wasn’t related at all.
38 years and counting. Do I win?
I generally went a year and half after a break-up before sweating off women; once I swear off women I have a new girlfriend within two weeks. Never fails.
Two weeks! What do you do, such that you’re meeting new people so frequently? I don’t think I’ve met anyone new in years!
I’ve often said that most problems in my life could be attributed to lack of sleep, lack of nutrition, lack of partyin’, or lack of churchgoin’. The latter two certainly help meet people.
