My dad was almost a duplicate of the ex-Marine neighbor in the movie American Beauty. So, 1) I would not be too surprised but 2) if he came out to you your life is in danger.

My mom would never have actually come out either. She would have insisted that, “Oh, don’t be crude! She and I are just good friends,” until death.

My reaction would be “holy shit you’re actually still alive.”

Convenient since my mum passed away a few days ago actually.

I won’t react

One of my kids is trans and pan. The other is lesbian. My niece is trans and lesbian. My other nibling (look it up) is gender-fluid. My sister is bisexual. My aunt was lesbian. I have multiple gay uncles and grand-uncles.

There are a lot of LGBTQ+ people in my extended family, on both sides, and it’s not a small family. So if either came out as gay, I wouldn’t be particularly surprised.

Especially if it’s my mother, who is already out as bisexual.

As for how I’d react? Mostly by saying, “Thank you for telling me, that must have been very hard for you.” No recrimination or anger, of course. I love my parents, and either of them coming out wouldn’t affect that in the slightest.

“Mom’s a lesbian and alive? 😱”

“I hope it wasn’t too hard on you; I’m thankful it took you some time to figure out but I’m glad you did”.

it would deeply pain me that they’ve had to suffer staying in the closet for so long, but i would be happy that they are now free to be what they feel they need to be.

Would be hilarious knowing them but I’d support them for sure.

Honestly, I’d chuckle to myself and then let them know that doesn’t absolve them of the decades of hell they put hundreds of kids through by being very vocal against it in community leadership. They have some cleanup to do. I’ll help with the cleanup, but you got some cleanup to do.

My dad surprised, my mom I sorta see it.

Probably disown me

Edit: read the question wrong. Pretty surprised tbh but whatever, I’m fine with it.

Well, my step-mom already came out to me as bi as soon as I came out to her, so that would be a bit anticlimactic, but if she decided to come out in a more public way I’d be happy for her.

My other parents are all dead, so that would be very weird.

Depressed that they’d hidden it for so long.

I’d be surprised since neither has wanted anything to do with me for over a decade

I haven’t had that specific situation, but I did have more than one where horrific and repeated behavior on their part was revealed with incontrovertible evidence years later, so it wasn’t just the whole “you’re not even remotely who I believed you to be and this entire relationship feels like a lie right now” but it was also the fact that for over forty years many people who knew could not be bothered to tell the truth. So when it landed, it landed HARD.

I’m assuming you (or whoever you’re asking on behalf of) are generally okay with gay people, it’s just the shock of a parent coming out that’s difficult. And maybe I’m not qualified to give you advice in this, because unlike my own situation gayness is neither sin nor crime, it is NOTHING to be ashamed of, yet people hide it because of external circumstances they feel powerless to change. Until the turn of the century, life for openly gay people in the US was literal hell, especially for men because of the AIDS crisis. And even after things started to lighten up in the oughts and teens, gay people continued to be subject to MASSIVE pressure from family and others in positions of power who individually decided to wield it anyway. Unfortunately, that level of individual intolerance and assholery has never really changed.

In other words, you never knew about this until now because they were terrified you’d reject them. Somehow, they’ve finally found the courage to tell you, to bring their adult and probably quite painful, maybe even ashamed truth in to the relationship. If it’s sincere, this is the height of human vulnerability, and they’re offering it to you. Everything you say will be scrutinized for proof that you still love and accept them, until they find their own assurances of where you really stand in time.

So keep that in mind when you interact, until you find the new normal, and avoid anything that smacks of disapproval or judgement, at least for now. (“Now” being like a week or two of being told.) Beyond that, just tell them the truth, with the aim of reserving emotional space and time for yourself to process things.

Thus, if you aren’t sure what you need and it’s hit you like a load of bricks, your best bet is to simply say, “It’s going to take me some time to process this. I know you still are who you always were, but it’s disorienting and unexpected.” Add whatever feelings on your part you are comfortable sharing, with the cognizance that as you are an adult now it’s not on them to manage those feelings or to make you feel better like they did when you were young, but they can simply to try to understand you just as they are asking you to try to understand them.

If you can, as soon as you can, be sure to reaffirm some level of loyalty and affection, because that is the greatest gift you can give them in this moment: the knowledge that you still care about them and they are still important to you and that you are not rejecting them for this. Be honest, though. If you ARE going to reject them for this, then just GO, don’t drag it out with false promises.

But chances are excellent you’re not asking Lemmy this because you want to exit, you’re asking because you want to maintain and build the relationship, healing whatever is broken there that you can, and rescuing whatever is still right while you both work to find understanding. So say what is true, whatever you literally can say and mean with your whole heart, and save any negatives for later when it’s not THE minute they’re finally peeking out of the closet long enough to be seen by you.

For example, if you can’t say “I still love you” or the thought of saying it skeeves you out, then instead say, “You’re still my dad and I still care.” Your own words will do well, no matter how brief they are, as long as they are spoken sincerely. If you think nothing really has to change between you, then say that too: “Nothing here has to change. We can go on just as we have. Thank you for telling me the truth, it must have been scary. I appreciate it.”

I guess my point here is that whatever you’re thinking that’s good, that still appreciates their core being and personality and meaning to you, you can say – and this could possibly be THE most important time between you to do so, so it’s worth the effort. You don’t have to go all blubbery and tearfully thank them for every time they wiped your baby ass, or worse make a joke of it (“I still appreciate you being my breeding sack, Mom”) but if you can, it’s important to tell them plainly and sincerely, about the good you see in them at this crucial moment in their life.

And then you take your time, as much as you need, to sort out your own emotions about it. If you present with honesty, no matter what it is as long as you say it compassionately, and you do not make them responsible for your own feelings, you’ll get the time and space you need to process, and this verbal openness and honesty is literally the fastest route to that new normal that I know of. Don’t make them chase you for confirmation of where they stand or beg for your acceptance, if you have it to give.

There’s one caveat in all this, though. With sexual revelations an announcement of change is often accompanied by an open demonstration of the new behavior, and even what can be disconcerting proof they’ve been living a double life for some time. With parent/child relationships, this can present a godawful level of EWW factor that can be impossible to navigate until you’ve gotten used to it.

So you can ask for their discretion in this, and if you think you’re gonna need it, absolutely do: “You know, dad, this is very new to me. I understand you’re probably already seeing people and [wave hand in vague motion] whatever you’re doing, but could you give me some time to get used to this before you start asking me to meet your dates and participate in your new openness? I am not asking you to act straight or restrict what you do, and I recognize that eventually you are probably going to be openly gay, but I’m asking for whatever discretion you can give me, at least for a couple weeks or a month [or whatever brief time you think you need], until I get used to the idea.”

People who have held back part of their core selves for decades – as your parent surely has – can be, ahem, a bit exuberant in coming out, hence the note of caution for you to ask this if you think there’s a chance you’re going to freak out if you see your dad kiss another man, for example. If you make this request up front, it lets them know that while they no longer need to hide their sexuality, a little circumspection in your direction would probably go a long way in making things cool and open as quickly as possible.

That’s how I’d react: with truthfulness in an effort to make space and time for myself so as to preserve as much of the relationship as possible.

And honestly, if you are interested and engaged enough to ask Lemmy about this, my guess is that you will be fine. You’ll have some lingering wtaf moments, some jesus christ is this even real? thoughts, some awkwardness and weirdness, and of course the moment you first see the Actual Gayness In Real Life – but it will all pass fairly easily, IF you keep on being honest with yourself and them, and you focus on that which is and has always been, whatever never changed and never will, plus anything/everything you can still call good between you.

However you feel about their orientation, there is still far more right than wrong, and you’ll see that when the shock has worn off a bit. In time, they will be just another gay person to you. Except you’ll love them more than most.

Sorry for the wall of text, hope it helps some.