Please be kind with me as I am new to this platform. I was at a club when a very handsome guy, totally my type, started dancing with me. I don’t know what gave me the courage to take the half finished beer from his hand and take a sip of it without asking. I then gave his beer back to him, and he said he had to go but will be right back. It was an excuse to stop dancing with me since he just stayed put in his friend group without going anywhere. I’ve been feeling really bad after that happened and would have danced the night away with him if I could. And now I have no idea what his name or phone number is, just keep replaying that night in my mind.
What is your opinion on a woman taking a man’s beer and having a sip without asking? Is it such an awful gesture that his sudden rejection was warranted? Was he angry, scared off, or just thought I was easy? I am not that type of person and had no ill intentions whatsoever. I just acted on natural impulse and was trying to be flirtatious. Thank you for any advice and comfort.
I’m in the UK, and have been with my wife for about 20 years, so the context might be different, but when I was young and single, that was a big red flag.
I know it’s not the way you meant it, but back then, the girls who did that were generally hard work. There was probably an 80 / 20 chance that they expected you to buy them drinks all night, and were just doing it for the free drinks. If you didn’t buy them, they’d grab the next guy who looked daft enough to fall for it.
Unfortunately once you’ve been caught out by a few people like that, you tend to be suspicious of the genuine people too.
Probably the best thing you could have done afterwards was to buy him a drink and say something like, sorry, I didn’t mean any offence, and leave him alone. Let him make the next move if there is one.
Someone is not getting drunk on a sip of your beer and a sip definitely doesn’t count as a free drink.
Leaving this higher up as a reply so it’s visible - this back and forth between you and @Tippon@lemmy.dbzer0.com was reported. While this discussion generally remained civil, this is a reminder that we should treat each other with good faith on this website as that’s the nice thing to do. This is also a reminder that sometimes it’s healthier to disengage than it is to keep talking past each other.
I know they’re not getting drunk off a sip, and didn’t say that the sip was the free drink.
They’d do this to young single guys, the type who looked naive, and flirtily take a sip from the guy’s drink, making it clear that they wanted a drink of their own. The guy, usually being drunk and stupid, would fall for it and buy them drinks for as long as they kept flirting. At the end of the night, the girls would drop the act and just walk away.
Obviously, nobody owes anyone else anything, and this clearly isn’t what OP was doing but if you’ve been burned by someone taking advantage in the past, you’re more likely to think that’s what’s happening again.
I think you’re reading way too far into a playful action.
Also, buying someone a drink does not make them obligated to sleep with you, but that’s not relevant to the story because nobody bought anyone anything.
OP asked for opinions on why the guy walked away. I offered an opinion based on my experience from my many years running a nightclub. Absolutely nobody has suggested that anyone should be obligated to sleep with anyone else. In fact, the last sentence of my last post said exactly the opposite.
As I’ve repeatedly said, OP was clearly not doing this. I suggested that maybe the guy that OP was flirting with has been burned by someone else doing that to him in the past, and that’s why he reacted in that way.
@appledinosaurcat@beehaw.org I’m not always great at getting my point across, so if I have implied that you did anything wrong, please know that it was not my intention, and I apologise.
They didn’t ask that at all, they asked if they were in the wrong.
Your opinion that it may have suggested a lady might be willing to be bought a drink but shockingly would not sleep with the man indeed suggests an obligation that doesn’t exist.
You use the phrase “burned by taking advantage” again suggests an obligation.
Was he angry, scared off, or just thought I was easy?
OP asked for possible reasons for why the man acted the way he did. It’s right there in the post that you apparently didn’t read. I offered one possible explanation based on experience.
I’ve repeatedly said that nobody owes anything to anyone else. You are the person who keeps suggesting that I said different. You seem like you’re trying to paint me into a corner to try and get me to say something that I didn’t. You’re either arguing in bad faith, or are incapable of understanding someone else’s point of view.
To clarify, yet again, the girls who would pull this trick would act as if they were interested in the guy that they chose, and were interested in sleeping with them. They were not interested in sleeping with them, they just wanted free drinks. The guys would find out at the end of the night that these girls were pretending to be interested just to get drinks, and would be annoyed that they had been tricked. At no point did anyone owe anything to anyone else.
A guy who had been tricked like this in the past might avoid anyone that he thinks might be trying it in the future.
Again, OP was clearly not doing this. I only offered this as a possible reason for the way that the guy in OP’s post had acted. It was based on my own experiences from running a nightclub for several years, and seeing people act the same way.
I resent the fact that you’re trying to twist my words to make it sound like I think that people owe other people sex, and I’m done with you. Go troll someone else.
To clarify, yet again, the girls who would pull this trick would act as if they were interested in the guy that they chose, and were interested in sleeping with them. They were not interested in sleeping with them, they just wanted free drinks. The guys would find out at the end of the night that these girls were pretending to be interested just to get drinks, and would be annoyed that they had been tricked. At no point did anyone owe anything to anyone else.
A guy who had been tricked like this in the past might avoid anyone that he thinks might be trying it in the future.
Read this through again. Think about what you’re saying. To suggest it’s a ‘trick’ to accept a gift that’s offered without offering your own self as a reward. If you truly believe that women don’t owe men sex if they buy them a drink then why are you talking about it as if they’re not holding up their end of the bargain?
Some of the responses here have me laughing at how uptight they are. What you did was perfectly normal, he was rude and you’re best off not thinking about him ever again. Fuck that guy!
Thank you for offering the more passionate support on this thread. I feel a lot better about it all after processing it some more. I totally agree it was the abrupt way he just dropped it that shocked me a little especially given how into our other interactions he seemed
I’m a girl, so ymmv, but I’m a huge believer in communication, enthusiastic consent in all things, and boundaries. This sort of breaks all 3 of those things, even though its fairly innocuous. I would be much more into it if there was explicit communication about it. “Could I try some of yours?” - this kinda doubles as a great way to check boundaries and consent (of you drinking from my glass), and also as a sort of double entendre if the vibe is there.
I wouldn’t consider that desperate or easy, but I’d be icked out by it. I’ll buy somebody a drink, but I don’t want to drink a stranger’s backwash.
This helps, thank you. I can see how he would have no way of knowing that type of behavior is not the norm for me and that I’m not carrying something contagious. It’s all very ironic because I myself tend to be mindful of germs but did that on a whim. I keep wondering though, was there anything that could have been done to fix this once it happened?
“Sorry, I was trying to flirt and I can be awkward sometimes. Can I buy you a fresh beer to make up for it and have a do-over?”
It’s gross. I don’t want to make you feel insulted, so I’m going to try to be gentle with this, but if a girl drank my beer without asking I’d think that she has poor boundary recognition and that her… hygiene preferences, are incompatible with mine. It would be an immediate and massive turnoff.
I’m sure some people like that, but even if I did like it, it would be a red flag that you did it without asking.
and that her… hygiene preferences, are incompatible with mine
If you’re flirting with her, chances are you’re going to end up kissing anyway, which is a lot less “hygienic”. If you don’t feel like doing that, the interest would probably not be mutual?
