An awful day. One of the worst. And all from my own actions and unrealistic expectations. I guess I just needed to type this out.

I blew up so hard earlier. I hate myself. Spent time in the mirror looking myself straight in the eyes listing all the things I truly hate about myself. I didn’t recognize the person I was looking at. I’m so exhausted of this cycle. How many times have I been in this same exact place? I feel so trapped with myself. I’m losing hope that medication will help. This is how I’ve always been and I don’t see how I can get better. I can have spurts of feeling better. But I’m so far from where I should be and seem to be getting worse. The only thing I’ve been consistent at in my life is fucking things up.

I really wish I could die. I don’t think I can kill myself. Not with my wife. Not with the dogs. Someday if there is a situation where those are not in my life, then maybe. Hopefully? I think back to when we put each of our dogs down and wish someone could do that for me. Inject me with something that will make me feel a calm that I have never experienced. Let me lay there on my living room floor for 5 minutes experiencing it as I fall asleep. Then stop my heart. That is fucking peace.

I need to work on expectations. I don’t know where they come from, why they change so much, or how to tell when they are unrealistic.

I’m so mad at myself for bailing on motorcycle class today. What the fuck was that about. Fucking coward. It wasn’t that I was scared. I was getting mad and frustrated that I was bad. Everyone else was riding in a straight line and it looked like I never rid a bicycle before. I felt myself getting so worked up and wanted nothing but to leave. I almost started crying on the motorcycle when the instructor was trying to help me. Then as I’m walking to the car after I turned my helmet in, I don’t think I’ve felt that level of shame or regret before. What a failure. Why do I just quit everything now?

But I started the day poorly. Woke up with plenty of time, but spent 20 min on my fucking phone. Then scrambling for safety glasses I didn’t prep. Scrambling to pack food. My wife had to get a water bottle for me and I still forgot it. Going around the house at 7am screaming because I’m not prepared for something I set 6 weeks ago. Then I get there and am just in the wrong state of mind, like fucking usual. A lot of times I can snap out of it but I didn’t.

Then get home and fucking snap. Screaming in my room. Bawling. Throwing things. Fucking kill me. Scaring my wife. Scaring the dogs.

I feel so toxic. So much hatred for things. For myself. The hate doesn’t linger but I let it consume me when it’s there. It comes in such strong waves. I think I’m constantly just failing to meet these made up and unrealistic expectations for myself. Then I just lash out at whatever I can.

Now I’m not at the family gathering scheduled 6 months ago. Another thing to add to the list that I hate myself for today. When my wife left she said something like she would stay home with me if I wanted. I felt so bad for not going with her. I told her no she needs to go. She’s the one that planned the damn thing. She told me she loves me and I said I don’t know why. What an asshole.

I feel so immature. So weak. So small. I feel so wrong. Incorrect. I don’t fit in. I make chaos for myself and bounce between one man made disaster to another. I’ve burned so many bridges this year. Lost my friends. Lost my job. I hate myself.

Now I don’t know what to do. have a headache from crying all morning. I’m starving. Absolutely starving. I don’t feel like eating. How do I just roll on to other things after a day like this. Another day like this.

  • dohpaz42@lemmy.worldEnglish
    0·
    2 months ago

    Brother, I feel a lot of what you wrote. You’re not alone, ok? It’s hard to claw your way out of these deep holes you did. Yourself in; but not impossible. It’s not a matter of desire or effort either. No one wants to live this way.

    Now, I challenge you to do three things (assuming you do t already; I don’t know because you didn’t mention it):

    First

    Instead of listing the things you fuck up, or suck at, or hate yourself over, I want you to instead list five things you like about yourself.

    It’s going to be hard. You’re going to draw blanks. You’re also going to want to add this to your ever-growing of things you hate about yourself (don’t).

    But give it time and practice. If you can’t think of five, think of one and then move on with your day. Keep trying each day until you can reach five things, and then increase it to ten.

    If you miss a day here or there, that’s okay. This is for you and you only. I’ll get you started though:

    1. You have the desire to be better
    2. You are intelligent enough to write cohesively
    3. You were attractive, funny, and, smart enough to convince your wife to marry you and love you (doesn’t matter anything else)
    4. You are obviously evolved enough to know dogs are the superior species, because you own more than one
    5. You have the courage to get out there every day, despite everything, and try again at life

    I don’t know you from Adam and I was able to come up with five positive things about you. So I know you’ll do just fine with finding more affirmations.

    Second

    Seek medical help (no, really, hear me out). Find a Doctor to discuss your adhd/add. Also look into a therapist to talk to about this. It’s amazing how much it can help. And even if you feel like you can’t afford, then look for low-cost solutions.

    I’ll keep this advice to the minimum because I’m not a doctor and you should never get medical advice from the internet.

    Third

    Talk to your wife about all of this. Yes, it’s a lot to put in someone, but she loves you and doesn’t want you to through this alone. Let her help you.

    Fourth

    I lied. I thought of a fourth thing. Take a nap. When you get so worked up like you described, it may just be a sign that you’re physically and mentally tired. A nap can help you feel better. If you can’t take a nap, maybe take a hot shower. Stand under the water and let it cover you.

    Look, take everything I said above with a grain of salt. Like I mentioned, I don’t know you, so my advice may be way off base. But, some things are harmless to try (like affirmations or napping/showering).

    Anyway, from one lost soul to another, I hope you find your way through. I know I’ll be rooting for you.