- cross-posted to:
- autism@lemmy.world
- cross-posted to:
- autism@lemmy.world
I recently conmented on a meme with a little personal experience and would like to know what you fine peoples take is?
Thanks!
(Link on top)
You must log in or register to comment.
I’m not autistic, just ADHD, so please stop me if I’m invading a space where my commentary isn’t welcome.
You didn’t recognize that the girl in question was setting boundaries, which isn’t your fault, but I’ll get back to that in a minute. From her perspective, she made it clear that she wasn’t interested in you romantically, but she felt like subsequent actions still had romantic intent, like spending a lot of time near her and chatting. The way she was communicating with you wasn’t working, so she tried asking a friend to find an alternative resolution. I don’t want to get into the details of defining what “creepy” might mean to different people, but what’s important is that she felt unheard and wasn’t able to influence her environment to meet her needs. And that sucks for anyone.
Autism makes it hard to understand subtler forms of boundary setting, but you can totally learn how! I had a poor time understanding and respecting boundaries because throughout my whole childhood, my boundaries were never respected, nor were anyone’s boundaries in my childhood environment, so I never learned. And the things I implicitly learned where downright harmful. I may be projecting a bit, but I suspect you have a difficult time both setting and respecting boundaries because you haven’t been taught. Personally, I loved the book (or audiobook) Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Tawwab. It walks through a bunch of conversation examples regarding setting boundaries, which my autistic brother said is super helpful.
https://www.amazon.com/Set-Boundaries-Find-Peace-Reclaiming/dp/0593192095
i will have to give it a read, thank you for your comment and insight!
Creepy.
she calls me creepy and to stop stalking her
That’s not a social cue - it’s a direct expression of a preference. And anon didn’t miss it - he ignored it.
Anon explained why he didn’t consider he was being creepy and (girl) didn’t counter it and didn’t mention it again. What does that mean?
“Anon’s” opinion on whether it’s creepy or not counts for absolutely nothing.
Again, it wasn’t a social cue and “anon” didn’t miss it - girl directly expressed her opinion and instead of accepting it, “anon” argued against it, then ignored it That’s not only creepy, but borderline abusive.
I believe the context for your query was that i missed a social que. However within context, she found it creepy i “stalked” her. To which i clarified it was not my intent to stalk or be creepy but was simply just being friendly, as i do with all my friends regardless of sex.
Yep - I figured this was just anon hoping for a different answer from a different audience.
Again, your intent doesn’t matter and there was no social cue that you missed. The girl clearly expressed her view and you didn’t do her even the simple courtesy of believing her. That’s not what friends do. That’s what stalkers do.
Autism as an excuse can only go so far. When you go past the point at which you simply fail to pick up on non-verbal cues to the point at which you dispute and disregard other people’s clearly stated preferences, it no longer applies. That’s not autism - it’s antisocial personality disorder. You’re not just failing to understand what other people expect, but refusing to treat them as beings with rights. You’re treating them as mere objects rightly subject to your will and your preferences.
“Autism as an excuse can only go so far” allism as an excuse can only go so far to explain why you need to be such an absolute cunt to decent people who don’t understand the lies you tell and are trying their best. Learn some empathy asshole
Ok buddy, listen i have kept every comment ive left informational and went through extra effort to be polite and curious to eveyone.
And your comment is shit dude, not because of the information but the feed back you gave was disrespectful, unempathetic and not even constructive at best.
And i made a post about asking for advice, to which the title was not "im right, " or anything of the sorts because i actually wanted people to form there own opinion. Because what is feedback if its all circual jerking, if you want that go to reddit.
And saying i disrespect (girl) is just untrue, you may not know me. But lots of people in this post or in other communitys. Know i go out of my way to not be a fucking pick and be respectful. And to go to the term that i objectified her is repulsive and completely untrue! And more sounds like your reaching just to try to make yourself feel better about being asshole.
This 100%. There’s some good, constructive advice in these comments and this is very much not it. Just a person with allism who wants to feel superior and put down people looking to better themselves. Calling you an antisocial creep and saying you’re objectifying her is the least charitable read possible and not what you deserve
IF you had any friends, they would have done their damnedest to protect you from getting yourself in this situation.
so, either your telling bullshit, or your freiends are not your friends.
Yeah my friends really weren’t my friends, they were all political dick heads. to be honest i really don’t care if another person has another political party they agree with. I’m pretty apolitical and think both sides have certain points that i agree with and disagree with. But somehow politics always got brought up and divided the friend group into political party’s and belligerent bickering ensued. So sophomore year, I just sat by myself and enjoyed my solace. until junior year, where i met some new friends that actually care and didn’t really care about politics and have been hanging with them since :D.
the year i broke off from them was heavily politicized, and the full friend group i had at the time is now completely dissolved and everybody moved away. and the person who i would consider the “leader” of the friend group, which i had multi experiences with. alot of the time would “Prank” me. which was ultimately a fucked up immoral “joke” if i can call it that.
we had a MC survival world we all played on, i mean sunk hours into. one day he blew up many peoples houses and put bedrock around. and left signs saying trolololo now see at this point it justs a guy being a dick. but there’s more to this story, so then him and his friend gaslight me for a week that a hacker logged onto the server and destroyed stuff. i explained i worried about if the hacker got our IP addressees and could hurt us. i got like 2 hours of sleep for all week. the other friend felt bad and eventually came clean about the “prank”.
thanks for the whole explanation, i get it now, it maskes sense. i apologize for not believing you, but what you tell me kinda sounds similar to what I experienced, and it is similiar to other expiriences.
i am glad you figured out how to spot bad friendships, and how to deal with that girl.
dont fret, it will get better and better. it is very neeficial that you learned early on to say no.
thanks for the clarification! i really value that mindset.
i hope you are doing good, keep taking care of yourself, and dont let others take advantage of you. bye!
seriously, thise peope are not your friends, f them.
i recently gave up my whole friendgroup, becaue i realzed they were not my freinds. now i am just at home, learning to play the guitar.
have fun!
Thanks! I wish the best for you aswell
If someone thinks you’re stalking them, that’s a 100% full on red traffic light that they don’t want to continue contact with you and you need to leave them alone. Simple as that. You don’t get to debate or negotiate.
“Let’s be friends,” is a polite way of declining romantic interest. She is clearly not treating this as a friendly relationship as her comments about you indicate that she didn’t want to continue contact with you.
But why would a person say “lets be friend’s” if they didnt want to see you at all, i understand politeness but its objectively misleading
For some people it feels easier to give a ‘soft’ rejection, and ‘let you down easy’. People also believe that a soft rejection may help to temper potential violent male responses to being rejected romantically.
It is misleading when taken literally, and needs to be understood in combination with other social cues. (Does this person show continuing effort to develop a friendship? Do they ever reach out first? Does the dynamic feel one-sided? Do they subsequently make more negative comments that express a disinterest in continuing the friendship or ‘let you down’ further?)
Yeah i may have missed that :/ I took it literally Well…
Thank you for actually having a nice, insightful thing to say :3 very nice change of pace from just being called a creepy stalker for not understanding the lies of people with allism
Stop stalking me. If you reply to this post or downvote it you are creepy.
We don’t know about what the girl said after the explanation. She probably didn’t mention it again since it clearly didn’t work the first time.
“Anon” kinda just ignored how she felt/told her what (at least from my perspective) amounts to “your feelings are invalid because that wasn’t my intent”.
As for the subsequent actions, I’d attribute that to high school level mental maturity/not knowing how to handle such situations. Talking it out would be the ideal scenario, though that rarely happens even long after high school time from what I’ve seen ._.
(Rant - that might not be fully related to replied to comment anymore - over :P)
Saying she wants to be friends is an evrn more direct expression of preference. How fucking dare op not understand what those mixed signals mean as an autistic teenager? This kind of bullshit judgement is why allistics don’t get to have opinions <3
You know, you could actually just state how you feel? Instead of lying about it and getting mad when rtrds like me don’t understand that you’re lying?
Allistic people have issues saying what they truly think, so they do all kinds of shit to “say without saying”. And that doesn’t work with us, but they don’t understand because, apparently, we should learn how to understand them, but they don’t want (and neither think they need) to understand us.
So we’re trapped in a world where a good bunch of the allistics don’t care enough about us to learn how to communicate properly with us or to, at least, find a middle ground.
I don’t think you are in the wrong, she just wasn’t able to express clearly what she thought and you weren’t able to understand her message because of the lack of clarity on her end.
Uh oh you just blamed allistics for lying about stuff instead of blaming autistics for not understanding it! I hope you’re ready for a bunch of hate and slurs :D
So we’re trapped in a world where a good bunch of the allistics don’t care enough about us to learn how to communicate properly with us or to, at least, find a middle ground.
I don’t claim or even think I am autistic, but the inability for people recognize that just speaking clearly and directly would be better all around is infuriating. They seem to have some kind of reverence for people knowing all the ‘subtle clues’ that are based on what cultures someone is familiar with and based entirely on excluding others. Understanding the reasons why doesn’t make it less annoying when the same action could mean different things in the same culture in the same context depending on what is in somebody’s head.
Social cues are annoying and inconsistent even when they are understood. Most people just don’t think about it actively and just change their behavior based on anyone correcting them without thinking about why something is ‘the norm’.
Yeah, creepy. If someone says no, no means no. Her fault for being a femcel
Unfortunately ‘Creepy’ is subjective and poorly defined. It’s a feeling rather than ‘this meets XYZ criteria and therefore is creepy’.
she calls me creepy and to stop stalking her. I explain im not stalking im just being a friend and just enjoy talking inbetween class.
I agree with you that she’s nor using ‘stalking’ correctly but I believe this was meant to terminate your platonic relationship. It’s upsetting but that’s likely the point.
random number of text message with photo of me 20 seconds ago at lunch table. panic issues, i message who dis. They reply, you dont need to know stop stalking (girls name). I explain its not stalking if i go up and say hello and talk to them.
This behavior is much more in-line with a correct usage of ‘stalking’. I would assume this escalation was taken as being fair game from your refusal to accept her use as stalking. That’s vexing but likely meant just to highlight their desire to terminate the relationship as that wasn’t clear from her first accusation.
I think you are spending too much effort to engage with a person that is not engaging back with you. Regardless if your behavior was creepy or not, you are worth more than that. That person wasn’t matching your effort in maintaining a relationship (friendship in this scenario). Remember it takes two to tango, no matter how much you want it, you won’t be able to carry a relationship on your own…
Yeah i was kinda desperate and loney at the time. I mostly decided to share to see if i was actually being creepy or autism had a large role in it.
Im really good at making friends but bad at ending friendships even i know there not worth having as friend.
Thanks for your input.
Here’s what I see: she said you are stalking her and being creepy, you explain why it’s not. In her head you ignored it, so she got her friend involved to tell you the same thing, you ignored it again. Now she panics because two people have told you the same thing and you have ignored both people. From her perspective you are a danger, regardless if you are or not, which is why she denied sending her friend to text you. It is something to remember for the future, if two people say the same thing it should be looked into as it could be true. I have lived with Autistic people that have trouble with social cues, so I have some idea of what went wrong.
Ok saying im a danger is a bit of a stretch, but i get the point your making. It was a learning experience. See i think it was mostly the faliure on my part for her being “polite” and asking to just be friends and me missing that social queue.
and i was expecting just telling me to kick rocks. Which i feel was a large miscomunaction between both partys. And the friend thing was rather cryptic. Why not just go up and talk, i mean i was alone and im not muscular, tall Or violent. And me and (girl) where both in a mutal friend group, as soon as i knew who the girl was. I knew her, she knew me. It wasnt like we were strangers.
For added context, im a people pleaser and kinda a push over at least in high school. I always tried to be nice to people even ones that where austrasized for good reason. But i didnt know that at the time (kid cranking his hog in math class and got rightfully expelled a year later).
I just dont think ill ever understand why she didnt just say i dont want to be friends anymore? Instead of going through all this mess and complexity.
I know its kinda a deaf tone. But why cant people just say what they want. Like social ques are just so hard to read.
It can be difficult and uncomfortable to tell someone you don’t like them. For women, it can also be dangerous because some men get very aggressive when they’re turned down. You don’t know her experiences and why she chose to make those statements. I don’t think what she did was wrong.
I’ve been in similar shoes. It’s really hard to notice the cues. Neurotypical people also don’t understand how we think. Since they don’t know what to expect they get scared. They don’t know what other boundaries we’re not aware of.
I mean she did tell you to kick rocks, in so many words. No one wants to be friends with or even interact with someone they consider to be a stalker, let alone their stalker. She called you a stalker which implies she doesn’t want to be around you without saying so, many times people will avoid being so blunt about stuff like that for fear of retaliation. She was hoping you’d pick up on the hint that she doesn’t want to be friends without having to confront you about it directly.
I’m not passing any judgement, I think you were right it was a bit of a miscommunication on both ends; she wasn’t entirely clear and you missed the implications of her message.
I’m with you. While I’ve never been diagnosed as autistic, I do not pick up on social cue’s ever. It’s hard to explain how much better the world would seem (to me, at least) if people would just say what they mean. While being too forward could be misinterpreted as being rude, there is no room to miss a secret message when being direct.
I feel like this is a good read of the situation. Chalk it up to a missed social cue and file it away as a learning. For what it’s worth, lots of people (autistic and not) have difficulty navigating this type of situation, particularly when in their teen years.
I think you probably missed some social cues there and may have come off as creepy, I’m afraid. At least her reactions would suggest that. Of course I can’t really say much more without details that are no doubt lost to time.
Heterostereotypical women are just as insane as macho men and the red pill crowd.
Taking no as a no is the only reasonable thing to do.
Also, you will notice, that people with a genuine interest in you might say no to something and then if you take a step back they’ll take a step towards you.
TL;DR you ever meet someone like the girl in the post – run, regardless of whether you’re autistic or not.
Dualy noted :D
Just FYI, it’s duly.
Thanks for this correction
