I know you’re not from the South because down there the first wave of divorces is at about 21 years old with three kids
I didn’t know penguins could marry.
I hate how true this is.
What’s worse is that many of the people who didn’t fall into that trap have been waiting to responsibly have children later, which I also don’t want. Finding anyone down here that is interested in being child free down here is a challenge and finding someone who doesn’t expect to have a busy life to make up for it is even more difficult.
Southerner here to confirm. I’m 36, graduated in 2004, I know a few people my age with 20 year olds now. 🙄
Did you graduate 2 years early?
2004 was 20 years ago. You’d have been 16
Can get pregnant at 16, math checks out.
Marrying the first person you ever fuck and breeding uncontrollably only to become deeply miserable and unfulfilled in your locked down life is very human and not at all a good idea. Every success story of first love is a random aberration that fuels the myth that this should be the status quo.
Most people are a lot sluttier than that
And you know they’re not from NYC, LA, or SF - because there are tons of good looking single people over 35.
Not all of the kids have to be theirs either.
This is so sadly accurate lol
This is where I have massive respect for gay guys who just use Sniffies for outright hookups and sometimes don’t even bother to learn the other guy’s name. Listening to drag queen podcasts has taught me a lot, and that a sex life can be pretty straightforward for gay guys.
Meanwhile, gay women, 🦗🦗🦗
I wish I didn’t know this first hand
What happened?
They removed the headstones but left the bodies!
Four suitors? What is she, a billionaire?!
As a 35+ would you rather be with someone who’s had bad experiences in relationships, or no experience in relationships?
The issue I have run into a lot is that they have the “wrong” kind of experience. Somewhat inline with the adage “practice doesn’t make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect”. I spent a lot of my teens and 20s being introspective, working on myself, and becoming the kind of person I would want to date. A lot of people I have had experiences with in my 30s spent a lot of that time in bad relationships creating reactive responses to various things rather than addressing the core issues or learning how to, and as a result they often have a lot of “bad habits” or expectations going into dating or future relationships.
I have met more than one person that has said they need someone who can be patient with them while they heal and deal with their past, while also not necessarily wanting to, or being capable of, providing that same level of patience and understanding to a partner. That seems…uhhh not really appropriate or fair? But I’m the one that’s been single for quite a while, sooooo it’s just as likely I could be the one with my head so far up my ass I can taste my tonsils.
Ding ding ding! The key is actually learning and growing from those bad experiences and bettering yourself as a result. A lot of people seem caught in the loop of searching for someone to make them better instead of looking for an actual partner.
IME it’s that the more bad experiences they have, the more they demand an idealized greek god of a person as a partner and think anyone who doesn’t measure up to that fantasy. because it’s not their fault, it’s their partners for not ‘measuring up’ to their ‘standards’.
bingo.
gist of most people who are terminally single is they aren’t capable of offering as much as they demand. so for anyone that is a bad deal. a lot of people simple become parasites in a relationship, financially, emotionally, etc. and those parasitic people will never ever admit fault, they will blame the partner they are sucking the life out of that they aren’t ‘giving them enough’.
I was in a few relationships that became soul-sucking. i used to be depressed and suicidal in the past… because I as in relationships that were sucking my soul out. When I broke up, stayed single, and worked on myself… my life had value again and i was no longer depressed and suicidal.
the issue isn’t about experience. it’s about how you treat other people and if you see your partner as a person… rather than a resource to extract things from (money, sex, attention, etc)
As a 35+ would you rather be with someone who’s had bad experiences in relationships, or no experience in relationships?
I hate to say it, but I think that folks have taken advantage of “be patient of folks with trauma/mental illness/etc.” and turned it into “you HAVE to put up with me or else you’re an asshole who is insensitive to those with struggles.” And nobody wants to be “the guy who wasn’t supportive enough”.
It’s okay to break up with someone if you are too overwhelmed by their needs, regardless of their trauma/mental illness. Staying will make both people absolutely miserable in the long run.
yeah, been there too. i could never understand someone who refuses treatment/therapy/medication and then blames someone else for their struggles.
Depends how many bad experiences. If all your relationships were a bad experience, then there is a good chance you were the reason for that
Very true
Like a guy I know who is divorced four times… Thinks he has really bad luck. Nope buddy. It’s you.
Give him a book called “Attached” by Levine and Heller. I doubt he’ll actually make any changes, but it’s a good way to tell him it’s him without you having to say it at all.
No experience. All bad experiences means more potential for either a lot of unchecked baggage, that person is the cause of the bad experiences, or both.
Bad experiences. No experience at my age would be a very bad sign. With my husband, we each had one crazy ex, then he had a couple of two year relationships that weren’t bad just sort of ran their course. Apparently when he met me he knew it could work out long term but I was afraid he was only good for two years, so just took it kinda slow, not sex-wise but relationship-wise. Waited two years to move in together (we both had kids so it was a good idea regardless) then he started making noise about getting married, I told him he could ask after we’d lived together two years.
Best relationship of my life so far, 12 years in, we are both well aware how good we have it, because we have both had the bad times. His kids won’t even talk to their mom - in the divorce the courts gave him custody not just of his kids, but his step kids too, that is how bad she got, and she has not improved. My ex’s mom said if it came to it she would argue her son should not even have visitation, that’s how bad he got (we weren’t married so that part was easier). He has improved when he quit drinking, thank God and now sometimes hangs out, like at holidays, parties, etc.
So I would argue for experience use but caution. Not someone with a string of crazy exes.
Is there a third option?
I’d rather be content by myself.
Im not that ugly am I?
I’m at least a little bit more self-secure that at least I have eyes and hair!?
Not ugly at all.
Truth time tho, I’ve been noticing more of those positives lately. Just a little bit of effort makes a difference.
Effort makes a huge difference. People that put in zero effort are obvious and smell.
“If you can smell you, others could smell you yesterday.”
What’s the movie? I really identify with corpse #3
The one struggling to keep it’s head above water?
That’s the one!
Poltergeist
Also she’s swimming with real bodies because it was cheaper.
Oh, alright, so it was rubber, only on real bones.
Do I remember correctly that these were real bodies because it was cheaper than fakes?
The bigger problem is everyone has kids already. But by 45 or so you can start looking for people with adult kids.
nobody has kids at that age in the urban coastal cities. i’m 40 i’ve never dated or met a single mother.
I had my first kid at 40, which was on the later side but not at all unusual.
I came from a more rural area and occasionally here about people my age back there being grandparents already and just have to shake my head at those choices. It just doesn’t happen here
I speedran adulthood and while on one hand I wish I had waited, on the other I’ll be in my mid 40s with an empty nest which is pretty sweet if you ask me
yeah i grew up rural and by mid twenties all my HS peers were married w/ kids or doing drugs/prison. I was in graduate school on the other side of the country at 25 and marriage kids was a decade away in my mind.
least to i haven’t been back there since i was 19 years old and never kept any HS friends.
They must all be in the midwest…
I feel this in my core. Dating in your 30s is like dating at max difficulty
I find it much easier!
- People are less shy
- They have more experience
- They know better what they are looking for
- Their fantasy marriage/life has been renounced
- People are much more chill about sex matters
- Their romantic histories are quite telling
- Most people have their own place
- Careers are mostly stable
/
Cons
- Much smaller dating pool
- Many have kids already
- More difficult to make friends/meet people in general
speak for yourself. i have found dating as a 30+ adult to be way more dramatic and miserable than it was in my 20s.
nobody in my 20s was having a temper tantrum at dinner because the restaurant isn’t expensive enough for their ‘brand’.
Try dating someone who is mentally in their 30s too.
This sounds like one very specific date
nah it’s multiple dates. it’s also a common attitude that men need to ‘impress’ dates by spending a lot at restaurants otherwise they ‘devalue’ a woman. asking someone out on a cheap date to get to know them isn’t the point… the point is to win them over by spending money on them.
basically a lot of people see dating as prostitution with extra steps. and wonder why they are single.
Dude, I’ve been on many, many dates in my 30s. I have never experienced this in the least and I am a frugle date. I recommend reevaluating your “type” of women if this is a recurring thing.
- Many have kids already
Why is that a con?
Not OP, but I was sterilized in my mid 20s. Not only am I not interested in having kids, but I would not be a good parent. I have still dated people with kids who made it clear there would never be an expectation that I become a parent or interact with their kids, which does address those issues, but there are others. Understandably their kids take priority over basically everything except for maybe the factors that effect their ability to provide for their kids (or at least I think they should). That often means they don’t have nearly as much time to hang out and build a connection, nor are they able to be as free to do other things due to constraints on their time, finances, or both like going on fun trips. Another factor I have run into that is that usually the reason someone is single and has kids due to entirely positive reasons, and there is often at least some amount of trauma in their past that is often not entirely behind them.
To be clear the above is in no way an absolute and are merely my anecdotal experience and correlations in the given area I live. It is also always worth keeping in mind that I am in no way perfect myself and that it’s possible there is something about me that results in the above being my experience.
Ahhh they are inextricably linked to a previous partner and you’re expected to become a parental figure if the relationship goes anywhere serious.
Some people (like me) really don’t want an instant family.
I take my hat off to those who don’t have kids but date parents; they are better people than I.
I wouldn’t mind doing it, but I would have to know the partner really well and feel confident that it would be a stable relationship. I remember having a hard time as a kid when I lost my aunt because her and my uncle had a nasty divorce where she went no contact.
Pros of dating a parent:
- You can see how they treat those that are vulnerable and dependent on them
- They’re typically more stable, conscientious, and responsible
- Good parents know that they have to model healthy behavior, so they practice those
- You already know what you are getting with the kids, so it’s not a surprise
- The kids inadvertently tell on the parent if the parent is misrepresenting themselves up front
- Can do family activities that would normally be considered odd for only adults to partake
- The many benefits of being a parent
- If there’s shared custody, you regularly get time off from being a parent
Getting older, with an established career makes spontaneity harder as it is. Add kids to the mix and it’s pretty much impossible.
I … don’t want that. I like making last minutes plans, 1-2 week long trips, etc. The most limiting factor for me is dropping off my cat at one of my many friends/family members that can watch it (and I reciprocate with their pets).
If I’m going to date it’s going to be with someone with a compatible lifestyle.
It introduces more factors to consider. One, the kids will be involved in the relationship, so that’s more people that have to get along well. Two, they take up time, energy, and resources that could otherwise go to the relationship. Three, the parents are more anchored to their current life, so things like going on vacation or moving become much more complex and expensive. Four, the person will almost certainly have to maintain a relationship with their ex/other parent of the children. Five, if you yourself want to have kids, they may not be willing to do so anymore.
I acknowledge that having kids has its benefits too though. It’s not all bad.
Valid reasons.
I’m just waiting til I get to the retirement home in about 35 years, they’re like huge orgies.
Orgies and Lan parties all day
Aww man, that sounds so awesome! Hopefully weed will be legal by then in the UK too.
Solution: don’t live in the US, live in Europe
Why?
Because I barely know people in their 30s who married even once in their life. Most of the 30s crowd is single and dating.
– yurobro
I don’t quite get it. Is the problem that you miss being pursued by younger people?
All the good men are already taken, the ones who are still available are single for a reason.
No matter the gender the issue is the same
If you’re still looking for good men at 35 you’re also single for a reason
Not necessarily. If she was an anxious attached style she’d be more likely to fall for avoidant men. She could either:
- Now recognize the red flags of avoidants and not subject herself to that.
- Be unaware of the red flags of avoidants and keep making the same mistake
- Recently left a long term relationship as an secure individual and discover how many avoidants really exist.
Of course you are right, she could be avoidant to, in which case hopefully she’ll learn sooner rather than later that fearing intimacy and vulnerability is detrimental, and that healthy codependency is actually a thing. But it’s not easy for them to do so.
I don’t like to think that everyone is incapable of finding someone, people just need to figure out why. Pointing out “single for a reason” seems counterproductive and a bit disrespectful.
I think “single for a reason” is what all that attachment theory shit is trying to help contextualize. It specifically sets the context as “single for a fixable reason” if you have the courage and humility to do the work.
Is living in the forest because I’m afraid of the federal government a “fixable” reason?
no
:(
That’s just being awesome…
:)
Sorry you’re so incurably single you’ve latched onto dating advice thats as accurate as horoscopes.
Like I hope it gets better for you but… yikes.
It’s not dating advice, it’s attachment theory.
So stop treating it like dating advice you weirdo.
Ok, I’m confused - can you quote the lines that werr dating advice? In no case was I advising anyone do anything, I was sharing the information I have learned on attachment theory. Providing possible insight. That’s not advice, that’s processing thought.
I mean there’s plenty of reasons to be single at 35 that aren’t necessarily a knock against you as a potential partner. Long term partner cheated on you, long term partner died, long term partner grew apart, active duty in the military for 18 years, maybe the person threw themselves into work and was too focused on work to date or maybe they were caring for a declining family member and too busy to date, or maybe they were going through shit and they’re finally ready to date again after a lot of time healing and climbing out. You get the picture
Thanks.
Or we became so insecure in our previous relationship that we’re terrified of meeting new people :).
Can’t get hurt that way.
single for a reason
is the reason maybe that it’s hard dating after 35 or is that only a valid excuse for women?
is the reason maybe that it’s hard dating after 35 or is that only a valid excuse for women?
it’s easier to blame other people than realize you aren’t a catch either.
If you think the single men are bad that age, look at the women!
Am I the only one having a stroke trying to understand:
“clears up again after the first wave of divorces (after 35?)”
yeah you are. it’s really easy to understand.
the pool was clear before people got married. it clears up again after the first wave of divorces. clear meaning ‘there are desirable people to date’
are you ESL?
Not OP, but I think it’s fairly confusingly worded because clear implies empty, but the intent seems to be to imply lots of choices.
no. clear empties quality when it comes to water. clear as in transparent.
clear water is good, opaque water is dirty and unsafe.
you are thinking of clear in the sense of space, not water. clear space is empty.
I understand what you’re saying and I still think it would be easy to be confused. It’s ok that you don’t think it is, this is just a second opinion.
Clear, as in all the garbage has been cleared up, leaving the good stuff behind
Seems plausible. Most of my friends got married or “like-married” between arround 28 and 32, then the divorces happened between arround 35 and 38. Those who survived that wave are still married.
The problem is, everyone THINKS that they’re the woman in this meme.
True, in reality everyone in the ghoul. Dating does become harder the older you get. When you’re 18 and you date an 18 year old, both have very little life and dating experience. You basically mix water with water. When you’re 35, you’re vinegar and even if you like your date, she might be oil and you just don’t mix. You have to compromise, which only gets harder and harder.
I know a 30yo woman that I am interested in, and is 40mins away. The problem is she is not interested. She likes guys that are 20yo and live long distance(other countries), and they all end disastrously. I am just her 34yo friend.
Bad analogy. Vinegar and oil make a tasty vinaigrette but I get your point.
Especially if you can open that up to a little basil now and then
So threesome…
With a guy named Herb
It’s not harder, objectively.
It’s just that people’s expectations aren’t realistic. And nobody is more bitter than average folks who think they are the top 1% of the dating pool, which is what the average person thinks. So many people in the dating pool make like 50k/yr and think you should be a millionaire to date them.
I’ve met so many women who are complete average looking, average income, etc. who think they DESERVE Don Draper and anything less is ‘below them’. They’d rather be alone with their fantasy TV boyfriend then be in a real relationship with a person who is their equal. and plenty of dudes do the same with porn.
I’m a medium successful dude, and when I go out dating all I seem to encounter women who are worse than me in pretty much every metric who dunk on me for not being the top 1% man of their dreams. It’s wild.
Date leftists? Like, actual leftists. I know, it’s a small pool in America, but you’d be surprised what’s out there if you join the right community.
You’re going after people who buy into the capitalist heirarchy and being surprised it’s all just shallow self-delusions. Idk, just seems self defeating.
A good chunk of the people I’m talking about identify as leftists.
Your political ideals also have nothing to do with your personal expectations and habits in relationships. Plenty of ‘leftist’ women I have met 100% expect traditional gender roles and aspire to be SAHM. And a lot of leftists I knew in my 20s are now hardcore right wingers now.
Hell half my liberal/leftie graduate school cohort is now support Trump/Republicans.
I think your definition of leftist and mine are quite different.
sorry, is there a test i can perform on people to know if they are ‘true leftist’?
if not, you should create a ‘leftist testing kit’ like they have for covid so i can bring it on dates and swab them and know in 15 minutes if they are a leftist or not!
As a general rule, not believing in capitalism and income based heirarchy is a good start.
Social media has destroyed dating for both sexes.
some of it is good. some social media has great/good advice… but that social media isn’t popular.
because 99% of it is ‘fix your own shit and stop expecting someone else to fix it for you’
The attitude of assuming all women you meet are inferior to you (and they’re the ones who have too-high standards?) can also make your dating life miserable, just saying
I’m not assuming anything. I’m reporting how people behave. If I meet someone who is a middle class job and they are telling me I’m a ‘POS loser’ for not driving car that is worth more than their annual salary, the issue isn’t me. I think my Subaru is pretty dope.
Just go on any dating tiktok or dating advice community. You will find tons and tons of people with these attitudes.
They do? Oh… oh, I might need therapy.
