Yeah, have you ever had an annoying roommate? Isn’t it so much more frustrating and isolating than living alone? You don’t even have your own space to get away so you just become more irritable all the time. Now imagine if you wanted to not live with that person that you need to get lawyers, your family, another family and the government involved

A lot of people get married because “they’re supposed to”, “they’ve been dating for a while”, or because it’s arranged. Is it shocking that those people don’t have the foundation for a good long term relationship? Is it shocking that every day is a little bit worse for them?

Your coworker is a twat.

The thing about marriage is that anybody can do it. You don’t have to love somebody to marry them. It isn’t special. There’s no test you have to take together or qualifications you have to meet.

So yeah - he’s angry, and lonely, and he’s also married, but none of those things are related to each other.

Sounds like he needs therapy, but in our society men aren’t encouraged to share emotions if it doesn’t perpetuate an image of strength. So he’s expressing his emotions in a “socially acceptable” way: anger. Which is probably what also got him into these backwards ideas about his political ideology as well.

Marriage is a legal and religious construct. It does not fix a lack of connection.

I think you are conflating the vision of success with happiness. These two things hold no relation.

He probably watches a lot of right wing/conservative media, and those shows generally aim to get people riled up to be against democrats and foreigners to an unreasonable extent. That and other personal issues messed up his brain. Like others have said, dude needs therapy.

watches hate-spewing tv programs like fox news

is consequently angry

surprised pikachu face

Marriage is a piece of paper. You can absolutely get married to someone you still feel alone around. Being not angry requires something a little more than a piece of paper.

Dude was probably raised on stupid conservative shit and never did the work to find happiness in himself.

You don’t need connections to be happy and the connections people are drawn to tend to amplify what they’re putting into the relationship. If this dude is miserable and looking to others to fix it they’re just going to dig their hole deeper.

I’d clarify that this is different from leaning on friends when you’re going through a hard time, if you establish a positive relationship you can lean on it for stability when your life is rough… and some folks culture positive relationships during hard times by compartmentalizing them into a positive part of their lives (an example I’ve seen was a friend who joined our board game group during a rough time but didn’t reveal their troubles until later - when all that shit was going down our space was where she came to just have a good time and be positive).

Life’s hard. People raised on the ideology of bootstraps and “Having a family will fix it” are playing on extra hard mode.

Yes, my ex wife and I can attest to that. Your coworker seems like a dick and should talk to a therapist.

Anytime we talk about human behavior, it is a good idea to learn and use the lens of behavioral contextualism. What behavioral contextualism says is that all behavior should be understood in context, including internal contexts, such as thoughts and emotions, as well as external contexts, such as stimuli from environments and other people. Anything that you read here, including this comment, should be held as a hypothesis until we understand what things (words that come out of your coworker’s mouth or their behaviors, or your coworkers history or any other relevant factor) led to the behavior. It is crucial to understand what things mean to your coworker to make any sensible analysis.

This does not mean that we cannot start formulating good hypotheses. It would be a good idea to learn about contextual behaviorism. Another incredibly powerful lens is the recognition that your coworker is a mammal, and specifically a human being. The vast majority of humans need to feel connected and understood. This can be understood very well through the lens of emotionally focused therapy. Sue Johnson is a great resource to learn how certain kinds of conversations create connection in relationships. This lens will become useful if our contextual behavioral analysis concludes that the problems that you are describing are caused by a lack of a sense of connection. However, once again, contextual behaviorism is the way to go.

Here’s a ranked list of resources, considering comprehensiveness, accessibility, and practical utility:

1. “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An Experiential Approach to Behavior Change” by Steven C. Hayes, Kirk D. Strosahl, and Kelly G. Wilson

   • This book is considered a foundational text in contextual behaviorism and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
   • It’s comprehensive and includes numerous clinical examples.
   • While it’s aimed at clinicians, it’s relatively accessible to motivated lay readers.

2. “Learning RFT: An Introduction to Relational Frame Theory and Its Clinical Applications” by Niklas Törneke

   • This book provides an excellent introduction to Relational Frame Theory, a key component of contextual behaviorism.
   • It’s written in a clear, accessible style with many examples.
   • It’s particularly useful for understanding how language and cognition influence behavior.

3. “The Act in Context: The Canonical Papers of Steven C. Hayes” edited by Steven C. Hayes and Stefan G. Hofmann

   • This collection of papers provides a deep dive into the theoretical foundations of contextual behaviorism.
   • It’s more academic in nature but offers a comprehensive overview of the field’s development.

4. “A Liberated Mind” by Steven C. Hayes

   • This is a self-help book based on contextual behaviorism principles.
   • It’s very accessible and includes numerous exercises and examples.
   • While not as comprehensive as academic texts, it’s excellent for practical application.

5. “Contextual Behavioral Science: Creating a Science More Adequate to the Challenge of the Human Condition” by Steven C. Hayes and Stefan G. Hofmann

   • This book provides a broader overview of contextual behavioral science.
   • It’s more advanced and theoretical but offers valuable insights into the philosophical underpinnings of the approach.

If and only if the contextual behaviorist analysis concludes that human connections is the issue, Sue Johnson’s texts will be great to understand your coworker. Otherwise, the contextual behavioral analysis will let you know what’s going on.

While I can’t attest to why your coworker is angry all the time, I can say that it is possible to feel lonely in a marriage. While you are connected in a functional marriage, your partner isn’t going to be and can’t possibly be the only source for your needs. You’re not going to have all the same interests as your partner and it’s good to have friends outside of the marriage to share those interests. Sometimes your partner will drive you crazy, so it helps to have friends that can help you with that. If you don’t have anyone to help with those needs it can get lonely quickly.

look, this person is probably an asshole regardless, but to answer you: Yes. Maybe more than if you are single. I stated dating a guy that was super rich and good-looking and he was super nice to me, It was like a real life fairy tale… until we got married and the routine started to show us how lonely we were with each other. We had nothing in comom, he was a bit dumb and shallow and the only subject he was interested was sports. I hate sports and like movies, shows and science. At the end he would say i was too nerd and I would say he was too dumb, but the reality is that he was very nice and so was I, we just were not ment for each other.

Marriage is a social construct not built upon love or companionship. It is just a social relation that is related to the two, with religious and legal backing to fortify it.

If you see marriage as a means to love and companionship, you are not gonna have a loving relationship. Love and companionship are completely viable (and I’d argue stronger) outside the strange little box that society tries to place it in

Fuck marriage.

I don’t think there is anything that a person of any gender can’t provide in a relationship. I do see that society shuns certain people from performing certain roles, but anyone can do any one of them.

If he is only ranting politics, he might not have anyone to talk politics with. Maybe he is the lone conservative, lapping up every scrap of talking points from Fox (or maybe Newsmax), but can’t spew them out around family who sees him as being crazy for watching Fox. If you aren’t pushing back, he probably sees you as safe, and if he is finding it hard for him to deal with political stressors, that’s probably why he is ranting and getting so emotional.

What are some of these connections men need out of a marriage?

Basically the same connections that women need out of a marriage. A peer group, a purpose, and friend groups to share interests with.

Unfortunately many, if not most, people simply don’t know how to go about it. They throw themselves into their work and whatever of their time is leftover gets dedicated to family. The interests and friends that they had prior to marriage and kids are left behind and those sacrifices leave them feeling alone and unfulfilled. They also don’t understand WHY they feel that way when to the best of their understanding they’re doing everything right!

Marriage isn’t, except in exceedingly rare instances, a “one stop shop” where your partner somehow magically fulfills your every need. That’s straight up Disney Movie bullshit.

People, regardless of gender identity, absolutely REQUIRE relationships outside of their marriage.

It’s easy to feel lonely around your wife if you don’t think women are people. And if he’s a Republican in 2024, that’s probably how he thinks. Drink your respect women juice and you’ll find marriage much more enjoyable.