I got a flu shot last week and have been feeling sick since the day after the shot. It feels strange, all the annoyances of being sick without feeling like I’m oozing contagiousness out of every pore.

I’m more annoyed I am unwell enough to go on some hikes. The leaves from all the trees are falling real quick now and I wanted to enjoy the last bits of fall colours. I also want to gather some forest leaves to use as leaf little in my terrariums at home. Leaves far from pesticides. The things I try to do for my little gecko.

Speaking of her, it’s been just over a week now since she’s begun eating again and she’s hungry. I have her outside play area fenced off in my room but I have no idea if she comes out at night during this time of year or just chills in her hiding cave. During the spring and summer time she just wants to explore my whole room and hide under the couch but right now it seems she turned into a hungry little gremlin that just comes out for food. I’ve also noticed with her that she seems more comfortable with me year after year. Even if just a little bit. She still hates hands though so it’s still a struggle attempting to handle her. At least she has a cute little face.

The last couple months for me have been such a huge range of emotions. I’m glad I began seeing a new therapist at a practice which works with lgbt+ people and alternative lifestyles. It’s made such a huge difference and it feels like my therapist is working with me instead of giving me “one size fits all” responses or coping strategies.

I’m also really happy that my therapist suggested I check out some event promoters for meeting people. Ended up going to an Enter Shikari concert last night and met up with with one of those people I met at a mingling event. She came with one of her friends and they were both super nice and so much fun. One of them was off in the mosh pit half the time and trying to crowd surf, the other was this tiny little girl at the edge of the mosh pit pushing people back in. It was amazing. I woke up the day before with a super stiff neck so I stuck to the edge of the mosh pit with the other. Fortunately the muscle relaxants and weed pills I took earlier helped with the pain so I was able to enjoy the night and energy.

Love that band, amazing show and I had such a good time. The person that met at the mingling party is also into techno, including the hard stuff. She also told me to let her know when I’m back in Toronto when we parted so I’m going to let her know what techno parties I’m headed to in the future.

Her friend also gave me a bunch of metal bands to listen to which I’m excited to check out. I cancelled my Spotify account a while ago so I’ve been re-exploring my current library for the past while. It’ll be nice to add something new. Plus I prefer this form of music exploration compared to all the algorithms and “AI” playlists. It’s far less overwhelming and lets me appreciate albums as a whole again.

I’m in such a good mood right now. Could be better but I’m paying the price for being in the mess of a rock show. Should have been resting my neck at home with a heat pad but last night was worth all the pain.

I went to a party a couple days ago. It’s meant for queer people to meet new people. Had a surprisingly good night and met a few people.

I really wish I knew how hitting on people works because I’m so painfully oblivious to it all. People seem to have a tendency to start kissing and I have no idea what I’m doing. I was just being nice?? Anyway, that night a guy I was talking to started kissing my neck and I had to politely tell him I was just there to meet new people. Fortunately he took it super well. I have plans to invite him to one of the techno parties I go to regularly which should be fun.

Also, as I was leaving, I happened to be talking to a group of people and someone just happened to mention a band that’s playing in Toronto next week. Turns out her and I are seeing the same band play so I think we are gonna go together? We’ve been slowly texting each other so we’ll see but should be fun either way. I’m still pretty excited.

I look forward to hiking the next couple weeks, the leaves are all changing colours, lots of reds, yellow and orange. I absolutely love fall colours.

The second worst part of a new tattoo is the itch. So itchy…

I’ve noticed personally just how different my mind works when I am constantly presented with data for my actions. Even though these random data points have no real affect on my life, I’m still drawn to having those numbers be bigger than before. From the votes I receive from a social media comment to the reactions from a meme posted in a discord server, all I want is more attention through a click of a button from someone else’s screen.

I hate it. It feels like my value is placed into a number. For me, I prefer my value to come from how I treat other people. I feel a far greater sense of self when I am able to put my time and effort into helping other people. I get to learn the inner workings of someone else and teach them to empower themselves. It feels rewarding when later on those people I helped express their gratitute and trust in me. That is far more rewarding compared to the quick hit from any brain chemistry when looking at a bunch of data points or a bunch of money.

Unfortunately, I can’t make money this way. Not in the way I want to learn, teach and empower other people. I’m terrified of going into a career that will destroy my innate desire to help others. I know it’ll wreck me in the process. Again.

Capitalism destroys everything it touches by sucking all the life, creativity and humanity out of it until there’s a empty shell left behind. An empty shell that looks like every other empty shell. All those empty shells can be counted, given a value and sold. Reducing us and the human experience to yet another data point.

I truly hope more people come to understand that these data points don’t have to put us in a competitions with each other. That our value as people can come from places that don’t have/need to be from a number value.

One day, our planet will die. One day the last historian will die and all that data and preserved knowledge will sit and decay. It’s human knowledge and it’s meaning has more value to humans than any other living creature on our planet.

Personally, I’d rather live a life where my actions are responsible for the wellbeing of myself, my community and the land under my feet. It doesn’t matter to me anymore if my value can’t be reduced to a number.

I had the great displeasure of working in the trades as an electrical helper turned apprentice for roughly 6 years total. Being male in a male dominated environment was already pretty awful. Especially as a quiet and thin person who in other ways as well did not meet many masculine expectations and was heavily criticized because of that.

During 2020, the company began hiring more women and we ended up with a young woman electrical apprentice. Right away I noticed how many of the older workers would go up to talk to her and linger around her area for uncomfortable periods of time. It was pretty constant and she couldn’t focus on her work.

After about a month of her working there, she asked me for help. I helped her like she was the same as any new apprentice that worked there. That may have been why she kept coming back to me with more questions. After that we became friends where I got to hear more stories from her. Like how she was told to her face that women belong in the offices and was that it was good she was working on a computer when the same person saw her again. Or how she and the only other woman in the apprenticeship classes were followed by large groups of guys after their classes finishes. Just a lot of uncomfortable stories of receiving way too much attention or having her abilities questioned.

I also witnessed two early 20s women who just looked absolutely uncomfortable being in the same building as all these older men who acted so gross towards them. Their body language seemed so closed off as if they could feel the stares while they walked to their work area. Trying to talk to some of the other younger guys about it got a whole lot of “yeah, but what can you do?” comments.

I tried to bring this issue, along with other issues about work culture to HR but all the HR manager did was accuse me of being wrong while telling me I wasn’t doing enough to fix the problem. As a result, they did nothing other than say a bunch of empty words at the next company meeting and fired me several months later.

I quit the trades and cancelled my apprenticeship after that. How I was personally treated was enough for me alone to quit the trades. Knowing how women and people like me get treated by such a large group of people is still significant enough of a reason to me to quit the trades as well.

Any woman in the trades that is able to succeed while dealing with all that sexism, through treatment or pay, is far more resilient than I am. I don’t envy the constant uphill battle of bullshit any woman has to deal with while in the trades.

I generally lurk more than I post content or comment because I naturally tire from the vast majority of online and offline interactions with people. The exception being those people who share the same autism/adhd based experiences and perspectives that I do.

When I interact with fascists online, I already know it’s a dead end to the conversation before it starts. That’s why I begin an interaction with a fascist with the mindset of it being a chance for me to learn and understand their mindset instead of trying to change a person. I also have a 3 comment limit with a rough plan on how my comments will be used during this interaction.

The first comment generally asks to clarify a specific point that they are making. The second comment depends on the response I get but usually ends up with me pointing out a flaw or contradiction from the fascist. The third is a closing thought and a reminder of how they failed to have a clear and understandable argument to continue the conversation.

I have a very broad and hard to explain understanding of how hate and emotions work. This comes from experiences and observations from my life. So this comment format sort of plays out predictably when the fascist inevitably responds after my final comment. That’s where I find the most insight into their thoughts. That’s where I find that missing bit of information that makes it click for me.

I rarely engage them unless they spark a morbid curiosity in me. It’s better that way since it’s much easier and mentally healthier to just let them pass by my screen than to weigh down my thoughts with pure negativity.

It brings me some comfort seeing how clear and easy to understand language is being used against these angry people.

They are being forced to explain their behaviour instead of arguing the specifics of words. It’s subtle but effective in my opion.

I am really enjoying this.

I’ve been enjoying the use or weird lately. I’ve had some strong personal opinions on language lately. A lot of it comes with a huge increase of new words that sort of seem abstract from it’s meaning.

I think with how rapid information can spread to large groups of people, it’s just too fast for my mind to keep up. All of a sudden I feel like I’m in a war with words and who knows which landmine of a word will get you in trouble. It causes me even more anxiety when someone comes at you with manipulative intentions in order to control the direction of the discussion.

I think weird works because it’s an almost basic word. It’s simple and descriptive. It’s not a newer, more specific word that requires a deeper understanding of a broader topic. It’s understood by more people. People with varying degrees of language knowledge including people whose native language is not English. It’s easier for more people to understand.

It’s a lot easier to understand someone is weird compared to someone being a fascist.

The Spiritual Administration of Muslims of Tatarstan, the region’s highest religious authority, also backed Kamaev, advising his critics to “watch the podcast in its entirety.”

I’ve seen this tactic used before in a more personal setting. The only discord server I’m on had one person who continually posted hate content or content from people known for creating hate content.

Whenever I called out specific parts of a video that were clearly anti-femme hate, they would attempt to pivot the responsibility on to me by telling me I didn’t watch enough the video entirely or that I need to watch more videos to understand why it’s okay to hate.

In this particular case on the discord server, this tactic was used to hide the fact that they did not understand why anti-femme hate was necessary and needed to be spread. They could not put the concept into their own words to show they understood. Instead they expect you to digest more hate content in order to understand concepts that they themselves struggle to understand.

I can’t help but see the same tactic being by the Spiritual Administration to shift responsibility back onto the people creating the justified backlash. The administration offers nothing in the form of transcripts, evidence or supporting arguments and instead expects you to waste your time and energy finding it yourself through a pile of more hate content.

I personally think that this tactic shows just how shallow hate can be. And while my experience with this tactic is limited to one instance on a discord server, I wouldn’t be surprised if other people got a weird, crazy or completely unexpected results if they pressured the hate-supporter/spreader in to verbalizing in their own words the hate they are spreading.

Since hate and hypocrisy are so closely bound together, I assume it would be safe to bet money that if you asked them to watch a video or listen to a podcast that did not advocate for physical violence, the administration or people who watch hate content would not watch or listen to your suggestion. A game they will play that’s as shallow as their hate.

Yeah, I can see where that can be ambiguous. My intention was not to be divisive. That is definitely something I can keep in mind for the next time.

Thank you for pointing that out.

Can you specify where I distinctly put men in to two groups? Where I stated who is and is not a man? Otherwise I am having difficult time understanding where your conclusions are coming from.

I feel like my words are being misrepresented but I do not know what I am doing wrong in this situation to understand if I should defend or change myself.

I do not know what line I am drawing in the sand when I was talking about a type of person, especially one I’ve had too much experience dealing with personally.

There are many types of people and people are not as simple as an on/off switch.

I guess that’s my personal view coming through. I hate labels and prefer to use broader terms.

Usually when I use men with quotations, I’m refering to the type of men that consume hate content. The type of content that promotes the appearance of male dominance and excessive masculinity that looks extremely gay to the outside observer. The word men that is being forcefully twisted into matching this new and ugly meaning.

I’ve had to deal with these types of people in work settings my whole life and my patience ran out after the covid lockdowns. As a response, I’ve discarded as many labels as possible and have chosen to refer myself as something broader and less precise.

Unless I am speaking to a medical professional, I am no longer a male or man. I prefer to be known as a person. Simply a person. When I meet someone, I treated them as a person, free of labels so that they can show me who they are. I do that because that’s how I want to be treated.

I’ve had a better experience posting comments using broader language in that I received a lot less hate filled backlash. The downside is that I feel the need include a lot of nuance which can make posting comments feel like writing an article.

Broadness and specificity in language has always been a challenge for me. I do try to be as inclusive as possible in my language but I’m not always going to get it right. I can keep it in mind the next time I use men in quotations.

“This is exactly why women should not be police, military, or Secret Service. Her one job was to jump in front and take a bullet for Trump, but instead she cowered behind him.” wrote Jake Shields, a former MMA fighter, above the picture on X. The post has been viewed 5.8 million times.

A potato whose job was to be be punched in the head repetitively by sweaty, muscely dudes while he aggressively cuddles them back suddenly knows the job of a woman in a completely different field of work. So much so that he feels the need to explain her job to her. The job she already did which was all caught on video. Hmm…

Even if she or any other agent took a bullet for Herr Trump, this woman would still receive all the hate and blame. It’s quite clear to me that these types of “men” just want women to be slaves or corpses.

How many of these “men” would put themselves in the path of a bullet for another person? Do they even have the energy or motivation to leave the screen behind to go take a bullet for someone else? Actions speak louder than words and all these dudes just keep yelling. I wonder how much all this hot air get accounted for in our current climate crisis models used by scientists.

This feels like satire? A site called real men, real style with an article about penises?

I’ve noticed this year just how quiet it’s been. I used to get woken up by all the bird calls, especially in the spring time. Now it’s just low level background noise.

The dull and distant bird calls feels so empty, especially since it’s been replaced by the continuous hum of air conditioning units and lawn mowers, the violent sounds of vehicle engines with the low rumble of rubber tires and other sources of human activity which never seems to end.

It absolutely breaks my heart.

There was also the reality that many tech companies’ leading executives, Bezos included, had reached middle age. Mortality’s inevitable creep was closing in. It seemed unfair — cruel, even — that people who had acquired all that the material realm had to offer might be forced to face a fate so pedestrian as old age and, eventually, death.

Mid-life crises (criseses?) have always been a strange curiosity to me. When I was younger, there seemed to be much more talk about the inevitable mid-life crisis. Typically this crisis was male centred. It often involved men buying expensive new toys such as cars, trucks, motor bikes, boats or doing things such as cheating or chasing younger women. I can’t recall any talk of feminine mid-life crises or any stereotypical responses. Even if there was a typical feminine mid-life crisis response, it seemed to my young perspective that it was heavily overshadowed by the masculine mid-life crisis and it’s response.

It now seems that the mid-life crisis response has evolved to include health and “peak” physical appearance as promoted by social media influencers. I guess this seems like the logical next step. When I was younger, I began to notice a trend in all this behaviour. Many of these men fear death. They are afraid of their aging bodies. They are afraid that other people will notice their aging bodies. They fear they will no longer be respected by other men. They are absolute cowards created by their own insecurities.

Dealing with aging in an aging body is something everyone has to deal with at some point, it’s a completely normal process of life. We humans have the misfortune of excess free time to think and dwell on our aging bodies. For some people, this can scare them into a vicious hunt for the mythical fountain of youth. And if a man can’t find the fountain of youth, then they will chase youthfulness through dangerous hobbies, material possessions, young women and physical fitness. Adrenaline, wealth, status and virility. Combine these things together and you have a vehicle of destruction that leaves behind a hot mess for everyone else to deal with while also influencing and shaping the minds of young boys and men to continue the cycle.

The most bizarre thing about the masculine mid-life crisis is how painfully gay it all actually is. The wealth, the stuff, the young women, the physical appearance, it’s all for other men. It’s a giant performance and they want to be paid in the currency of respect because respect is the secret currency of masculinity. Masculinity is for the male gaze and masculinity has no room for the unmasculine. It’s seriously gay.

And there is Bryan Johnson, a former venture capitalist, who is attempting to achieve his mantra, “Don’t Die,” through a longevity regime that involves a strict diet, going to bed at 8:30 pm, and tracking his nightly erections.

Seriously, what the fuck.

I’m still shaking my head in disbelief from all the penises rockets these dudes launched in their pointless giant dick measuring contest.

From my perspective, separating women from the respect currency of masculinity is one of many aspects that needs to be worked on by men to produce well rounded people. Otherwise we will all suffocate under masculinities endlessly growing ego.

Emotional intelligence has always been a sort of hidden magnet in my life that’s pulled me towards people who had the emotional capacity to treat people like people instead of treating people based off any first impressions or preconceived labels.

The people who I remember and hold closest in my memories have been people who understood that I’m my own unique person, with my own experiences that shaped me, with my own way of solving problems, and my own way of learning from those experiences. They were able to assist and guide me in a more human and understandable way. It felt more positive and encouraging. I learned so much more from people with a stronger sense of emotional intelligence in comparison to people who lack emotional intelligence.

Unfortunately, with what I believe to be a global mental health crisis brought on by the arrival of a global pandemic, it’s been obvious to me that there has been a critical lack of education in any form of emotional intelligence. Thinking back on my own education, there was more a focus on employable math and science skills, language with a heavy historical perspective, history with a heavily propagandized perspective and obedience within a narrow and confined learning structure. The only class that taught me any sort of life skills was the lowest level math class I had the option to take. The math class only “stupid” kids took.

After the initial uncertainty wore off and reality set in with the global pandemic, those who lacked the emotional intelligence to look within began to lash out at everyone around them. To them, the world turned against them as they were expected to be empathetic towards other people. It’s been difficult to process and deal with such a critical lack of emotional intelligence on such a large scale.

Those who are filled with hate for themselves and the world around them have far more energy than those with a better sense of their own emotional intelligence. Those who are filled with hate are burning out everyone else around them.

I think now more than ever, there needs to be more emotional intelligence education for both young and old. It will be very difficult to help ourselves move forward if we aren’t being empathic towards each other and the world around us.

I’m aware what I’ve said isn’t very specific to autism but it’s a topic that was made much more clearer to me after figuring out I have autism and understanding how it’s affected my life.

I was in a situation not long ago on the only discord server I frequent. This angry American guy kept posting women hating content that he thought was hilarious. Called him out on it and he tried to justify that women and men need their own community spaces. On a discord server owned and run by a woman for a video game we all play together.

He tried to go off on unrelated tangents but I stuck to my main point. I made it clear that his type of behaviour is what makes women feel unsafe in many communities and spaces. I also made it clear that his approach to mental health care was deeply flawed and did so by a long string of questions and statements all pointing out his hypocritical actions. I think that worked?

He kept going off on trans people, I asked him why he kept thinking of trans people. He kept saying women and men need their own spaces, I told him that if he is so desperate for men’s only spaces, there’s gay bars and clubs to go to. He kept bringing up other groups of people he hated in response to mental health questions, I asked him if he cares about his mental health or just looking for someone else to blame for his hate filled behaviour. When he deflected a question about why women feel unsafe in so many spaces, I brought it back around to challenge him to ask women why they feel unsafe and find out himself. The more he talked, the more he cornered himself. His actions never matched his words so I had a year+ catalogue of his hypocrisy to throw back at him.

In the end he agreed to stop posting hate content and then disappeared for a week. He came back briefly to privately talk to the discord server owner, she laid into him with a couple paragraphs regarding his hate towards women. He never responded and has disappeared again. I’m hoping he is reflecting real hard about himself right now, but I’m low on hope.

The biggest issue I have in dealing with hate filled people is that they have what feels like an infinite source of energy and their hate completely burns out all the good people they surround themselves with. Some of us are just exhausted and only want to play games, share stupid memes and post cute pet pictures. Don’t bring your hate trash everywhere you go, please. It ain’t funny.

I’m so tired.

I’ve found myself lately a lot more interested in games that don’t focus heavily on graphics but instead allow other parts of the game to speak for itself. This allows for the imagination to fill in the gaps, as you mentioned.

I’ve been playing a lot or Caves of Qud recently. It’s a rogue-like game with tile graphics and colourful text. Somehow this menu simulator game has drawn me into it’s harsh and unforgiving world. The tile based graphics actually allows for an amazing amount of creative freedom both from the developer and player point of views. The developer has created this futuristic planet with mutants and cybernetics roaming the planet trying to survive. The player has the freedom to play as they like and create the most unique characters they can imagine. My current character has two hearts, a scorpion tail, a fanged beak, two dagger wielding claws and a habit for stabbing.

I think the rise of constantly better technology has inadvertently encouraged a focus on better graphics over other aspects of video games. While there are some absolutely beautiful games with higher hardware demand, I think as of late, I’m yearning for games that focus more on story or gameplay. Games where you can feel the developer’s passion. Games with polish and attention to details in the most unexpected ways. Games that attempt to push boundaries within certain limitations (think hardware or graphic styles for example).

I think what I want is a game that feels like I’m reading a fiction book in a way. What I mean is that when you read a work of fiction, your imagination is filling in all that visual information. A game can provide you more than just text, but if it can balance graphics, gameplay and story, it can really transport and immerse your imagination into that world.

Amazing. Layers of ignorance for an already dumb thing to say.