Hey there,
I recently found out Kris Tyson is now trans. She had a wife and a child before the transition. This kind of made me wonder. How can anyone be sure they won’t turn out trans? Like what made you (to any trans people out there) make the switch?
To add a little context. I am a man, straight maybe a tiny bit bi. I have a some traits/interests that would typically be “reserved” (please excuse my terminology here and there) for women.
For instance, I dance a lot. I have even started ballet dancing. And in the past I had an eating disorder. Now I know this may sound a kind of bigoted or stereotypical. But I don’t mean it that way, this is purely based on statistics.
However I feel in no way that I am in the wrong body. I like being a man, I like the idea of masculinity, and I like being a man who dances. (Okay granted, I did not like the eating disorder)
But it makes me “worried” if I do end up trans when I already have a wife and children. I want to know before I get all of that done you know what I mean? Tyson probably wanted too, now that I think about it.
Bottom line: How did most trans people know they were trans?
The real sign of being trans is if you go to egg_irl and start relating to almost everything lol /s kinda (sorry I haven’t got a clue how to link communities)
Tbh there’s no magic bullet to be sure, but if you fantasize about being a different gender that’s a pretty big one, cis people don’t do that.
egg_irl did in fact begin the process for me, like 8 years ago. Have the appt to get estrogen this week!
It was quite a surprise to learn that everybody doesn’t fantasize about being a girl at least a little!
eyyy congrats!!
HELL YEAH!!! I’m so goddamn happy for you!!!
egg_irl was a big part of it for me too, it’s an awesome place
sorry I haven’t got a clue how to link communities
It’s not a choice, they know from a very young age if they feel they’re in the wrong gendered body. Whether they decide to publicly present that is another matter.
A lot of people, myself included, won’t really understand because we don’t have that feeling of being in the wrong kind of body. People who genuinely feel that way deserve all the help they need to make it right.
IMO though if you’re doing it for pretty much any other reason then it’s just a mental disorder or even a fetish, and it’s detracting from the people who actually have a need.
Which category do you fall under?
If you have a partner it’s the less likely outcome that they’ll reject your new gender identity. Gender is a spectrum and we’re all a lot more interesting than just what our gender is anyways. Someone who was attracted to you was attracted to a lot more than just your gender expression so, on the whole, rather little about you is changing when you come out as trans.
I am not trans so I can’t talk to that realization but I am non-conforming and coming into that identity was mostly a relief. I had to cloak a lot and found myself pretty distinct from a lot of the stereotypes about men - I was married at the time and my partner didn’t bat an eye.
However I feel in no way that I am in the wrong body.
I’m not trans, but I believe that’s the key. You said “turn out trans,” but I believe most trans folks never really felt like they were in the right body, ever, though they might not have realized what it was that was wrong earlier. It’s not like people wake up one day and think, “oh shit, I’m trans!”
I am trans and I can say I’ve never felt like I was in the wrong body, I think most of the time that’s just a relatively flawed way to describe an experience that can’t truely be understood unless you’ve experienced it.
Of course, no one has the same experience with these things. For me it’s mostly just been that something felt like it was missing, and I fixed that when I began to transition. The main thing for me was how much happier the internal changes made me, estrogen changes how you experience emotions and being out to my family had a similar effect.
When it comes to “signs” the biggest was just being envious of people who had the freedom to express differently than me. I can confirm that it’s a gradual realisation, though honestly most of that was overcoming shame and internalised transphobia.
Thanks for sharing that. I was repeating things trans people in my personal life have said, but as you point out, there’s no single universal experience.
Really glad to hear you’re happier now. It very much sucks that society (and individuals in society) made you feel badly for being who you are.
Gender and sexual identity are way more fluid than people want to give credit for.
So looking for a “final answer” at any point in your life might be biting off more than you can chew.
I’m a cis-man, but I’m personally with the Gender Anarchy folks. We’re stuck in weird gender roles that literally don’t matter anymore and maybe androgyny or things like it truly are the way forward.
I’m in my 40’s and trans, and ever since I was a child I knew I didn’t fit my assigned gender and it just felt… wrong. Took me a long time to understand this was me being trans and not me being “broken” somehow, thanks to a conservative upbringing, but basically I’ve known all my life.
For instance, I dance a lot. I have even started ballet dancing. And in the past I had an eating disorder. Now I know this may sound a kind of bigoted or stereotypical. But I don’t mean it that way, this is purely based on statistics.
these things do make not a person LGBTQ+
However I feel in no way that I am in the wrong body. I like being a man, I like the idea of masculinity
this seems to be pretty much the qualifying criterion, and, to this, I’d ay no, you’re (very probably) not trans.
But it makes me “worried” if I do end up tran
people are born LGBTQ+ and typically know it all their lives. From you descriptions, it seems like you might just be Bi. Enjoying “non-masculine” activities doesn’t really mean anything in and of itself. Being LGBTQ+ isn’t something one “ends up as”-- it’s something we always have been.
when I already have a wife and children
and so what? sure, there may be some adjustments for them to make, but, unless they’re transphobes, it shouldn’t be a problem.
It sounds like you actively enjoy your current gender identity. Most people who go on to change theirs don’t actively enjoy what it used to be, at best they generally just don’t feel connected to it. This was the case for me; I never felt manly, or enjoyed anything about being male. It didn’t bother me, but I never really connected to it.
Ultimately, the only thing required for you to be trans is that you decide you want to be; there isn’t some magic checklist of signs or requirements that if you meet, you’re trans. If you think you might be happier in life with a fem gender identity, it’s up to you whether or not to act on it.
If you would be totally happy and excited by the possibility of not having a penis and instead having a vagina then you’re probably trans. If, however, that idea horrifies you. Congratulations! You’re probably not trans. It’s basically that simple but with a few more steps.
Sincerely a Bisexual cisgender furry with many gay pan and trans friends
i swear I’ve met cis men who wish they were trans men with vaginas though, and those cis men still want to be men so it’s hard to class them as trans or even nonbiney
Not necessarily. There are plenty of trans women out there who are 100% fine with having a penis and have absolutely no desire to have bottom surgery.
Same with trans men and vaginas.
As well as with nonbinary people and whatever genitals they had when born.
Being trans isn’t about your genitals; it’s about how you feel at a fundamental level.
You are correct but I’m going for much broader strokes.
I suppose that’s fair enough. 👍
I just didn’t want someone to get the wrong impression, that’s all. :)
Doors open everyone who is tolerant of others is welcome
How would you interpret it if you’re neutral towards the idea? Like, it would be an inconvenience to have to learn how to handle new bits, but otherwise, life just goes on as usual.
did you ever have a point in your childhood/teenaged years where you thought it was stupid that people worked so hard to present masculine/feminine, or even a “transphobic” period in your life where you thought it was ridiculous that trans people would go through so much effort just to become their gender?
I may have been too autistic for this. I don’t think I had any understanding of what masculine/feminine even meant until my mid 20s.
I think there are few overlapping things here that are probably worth pulling apart. Keep in mind that all of these are spectrums, some people might experience these acutely, others mildly, others not at all.
- Gender non-comformance: having a preference for activities that are typically ascribed to or preferring to appear as the gender opposite to the one you present as - men who like wearing dresses and sewing, women who prefer having short cropped hair and playing rugby
- Transgender - a feeling that your sex (your biology) does not match up with your gender (do you consider yourself to be a man or a woman?). Gender is a really complex thing and is pretty strongly informed by society - what were you taught “man” and “woman” means beyond just sex. For some people this disconnect can be dysphoric, and it quite often overlaps with gender non-comformance
- Transition - changing your gender presentation to be different from your sex. This can be small things - changing your hair style - to large changes such as getting legal recognition for a new name and gender identity or seeking medical interventions.
I guess my point is that there are plenty of people who engage in small non-conformances or who feel like their experience of being man doesn’t 100% line up with how society perceives men, and that’s valid, and is a trans experience, but doesn’t mean that they do or should feel like “trans” is a label or identity that applies to them. In the same way that you can understand that you are a little bit bi, without that being a significant part of your identity
Excellent breakdown imho.:-)
If it matters to you then you’ll know. If it doesn’t matter to you, then find another interesting facet of life to fixate on.
I could be wrong but I believe they’ve always known to some degree. They just didn’t understand it early in life.
That’s sort of my experience, but I’ll also add that if you don’t know that being trans is a thing then it’s possible to just not recognise what it is or that you can do something about it.
This was my experience. I was raised in a very conservative, very religious community where I was never exposed to the concept of transness. I was fully convinced that I was a boy and could never be anything but a boy. And yet, I could tell I was different from the other boys.
As I got older, that feeling turned into an ever-present sensation of wrongness. My body felt tainted, somehow. Unclean. Contaminated. It possessed an inherent grossness that could never be washed away. I lived with that feeling every day for 25 years. No medication, no counseling, no hard work ever did anything to alleviate it or the severe depression that was my typical mental state. Then a bunch of things happened all at once, and I started questioning my gender. A few days later I shaved off my beard and rediscovered what joy feels like. That’s when I knew.
I was never a boy.
I’m so sorry that you had such a horrible journey, but I’m so proud of you for making it this far
Thank you. It doesn’t feel like I’ve done much journeying, as I was essentially trapped in emotional stasis for most of my life and circumstances have so far prevented me from doing anything with my newfound knowledge, but at least I know which way is forward now.
Yeah, fair enough. Best of luck, you deserve happiness and I’m rooting for you
It sounds like you’re worried enjoying activities and having personality traits typically associated with women means you may be trans, which could negatively affect your family life if you transitioned. I mean this in the nicest way possible: my therapist would probably call this catastrophizing. It’s coming from a kind place (you don’t want to potentially upset your family), but it’s several hypotheticals stacked on top of each other. Don’t borrow trouble, as my grandma would say.
Nobody is going to be able to give you a test to tell you with 100% confidence you aren’t trans, but if you’ve always felt comfortable with being a man and your anatomy, there is no reason to believe you will suddenly want to be a woman. Feminine men are no less men than masculine men. Some feminine men are even trans men! Being a man (gender identity) isn’t the same thing as acting masculine (gender expression).
So, all that said, what made me realize I’m trans is finding out trans men exist. Seriously, that was all it took. Before that I only knew trans women existed and thought I wasn’t “allowed” to be trans. Within maybe a month of thinking on it and reading accounts from other trans men, I knew I was trans.
I changed my gender at around 25 because I had significant issues with my voice, my body, and my genitals that caused me significant distress and interfered with my life, but they were present and ever increasing pretty much since I hit puberty. I knew something was wrong from an earlyish age, and dealt with it pretty much just when my husband was okay with it. I’d always envied women for their natural sex characteristics, and if I didn’t get a negative reaction when I came out as a teenager I would have transitioned much earlier.
I think if you’re happy in your body’s secondary sex characteristics, you probably don’t have to worry about being trans. From what you’ve said here, it sounds to me like you probably aren’t.
