Heard a guy respond to another guy calling him a motherfucker with ‘yeah, but your mom didn’t complain much’, so it got me thinking. What are your best comebacks for the common insults you hear from time to time?
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How to deal with bullies is actually pretty good advice.
Miss me with this pussy shit, bitches!
You need to punch up your comeback game? I gotchu!
Someone called you a motherfucker? “I found out yo momma so UGLEE her blowjobs count as anal. And she LOOOVES giving me “anal”.”
Someone called you a rebel without a cause? “At least I’m not a faggot without a dick.”
Some comebacks that work for almost anything:
Did you think of that YOURSELF, Einstein?
You’re dumber than you look.
You’re not the brightest bulb in the pack, are you?
You’re not the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you?
Did your mommy tell you to say that?
Are you always an asshole or only on Fridays?
Are you sure you know what all those words mean?
I’ve been called worse by better.
You go out in public with that face?
Your village called – they want their idiot back.
You’ll never be the man your mom is.
Which circus did you escape from?
Which zoo did you escape from?
Which ape cage did you escape from?
Your ass must be pretty jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.
Grab a straw, because you suck.
I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain.
If you were a spice, you’d be flour.
It’d be awesome if you used glue instead of Chapstick.If someone calls you a pussy, the best response is “you are what you eat, dick.”
The best comeback to an insult in general is:
“Who is this clown?”
Because it not only calls them a clown, but it infers they aren’t even popular enough to be a well-known clown.
*implies
Who is this clown?
“I didn’t realise the circus was in town!”
“Were your parents siblings, or was it just a lot of head trauma?”
“I’d tell you to read the room, but we both know reading isn’t your strong suite.”
“What other tricks can you do?”
Meh
Someone asked if I was dropped as a baby due to my performance difficulties and I responded by saying she’d know it would’ve been worth it if she was ever held.
I know you am, but what am I?
“Don’t get smart with me.”
“I’m beginning to doubt that’s even possible.”
Bonus points if you can say this to a cop.
That’s just like… Your opinion man
You’re not wrong Walter, you’re just an asshole.
No one insults me, so these aren’t field tested.
“Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called and they’re running out of you.”
“I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”
“Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”
“What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
“The ocean called. They’re running out of shrimp!”
“How appropriate, you fight like a cow”
So?
You are rubber, I am glue.
Don’t you have that in reverse? It’s supposed to bounce off of you and stick to me, which means you’re supposed to be the rubber.
Behind you, a three headed monkey!
Your mother was a hamster, and your father smells of elderberries.
Which, IIRC, insinuated that their mother was a snackish breeder and their father was a gin drunk. (Also, that she was past tense?)
She got better
Might go for a walk!
“No u”
Mirroring works best if you monkey them. Just repeat the exact words just like in an ape voice. A little pantomime helps, too.
Ultimate uno reverse card.
Sticks and stones can break my bones, But names can never hurt me.
Sticks and stones can break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
You’ll either creep them out so they leave you alone, or you find a new friend with benefits.
(throws road name sign)
