My partner and I just had a talk about it. Basically, she celebrated her birthday today. I was on her party, and it was fun, but I left after around 2 hours to get home and relax a bit. After I arrived, a friend of mine texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a lake and see the sunset. I agreed, we went to the lake and went swimming in it; it was really nice. Later, after arriving at my partners, she talked with me that it hurts her that I went out with someone else on her birthday, doing a romantically coded activity.
To be honest, I realize that I don’t have a single clue what is coded as a romantically coded activity. For me, this was something completely okay and appropriate, because it is for me clearly a friend-thing; but my partner explained to me that the combination of going out with another person on her birthday and going to a sea, which is a secluded place, just heavily connotates it in a romantic way.
I understand that what I’ve done here wasn’t right, and that I have responsibility here. Even though I didn’t want to hurt my partner, it is still my responsibility to inform myself here on romantically conmotated things you shouldn’t do in a partnership. So, dear people of Lemmy, what does constitute a romantic moment?
Edit: I’ve left out some information which seems to be important for the whole picture . I’ve copied it out of my comment and adding it here:
Me and my gf got together in August of last year, so basically 8 months ago; we were friends for half a year before that. She got cheated on in her long distance relationship before.
The friend who invited me to the sea I actually know for almost as long as my partner, from the beginning of Uni. She had a breakup from a three-year old relationship a few months ago, and I was there to support her. I didn’t clarify before though if she was okay with me cuddling with people or not; I assumed it was with her, because it was okay in her LDR before - which was wrong of me. I overstepped the boundaries of my partner here.
The friend in question kissed me at the neck while I was at hers. I talked with her about it and let her know that I wasn’t okay with it, to which she reacted quite hurt. She then told me that we shouldn’t be friends, but two weeks ago she collapsed at Uni and I brought her home. Now we are meeting again.
While I’m writing this down, I’m actually starting to notice that there are a lot of other factors playing in why my partner is upset here. She has been cheated on in the past, which definitely leads her to feel uncomfortable about my actions, even though I obviously don’t want to cheat. I broke a societally unwritten rule of not meeting people in romantically coded settings on your partners birthday. And I overstepped the boundary of my partner before by cuddling with the friend without my partners consent.
First; it takes at least 72 hours to make any decision of consequence, because insight is a process, and deliberation is a process. Becoming informed is difficult. Waiting for thoughts to progress takes time. Being in a hurry is somewhat abusive. Demanding quick or rapid answers is considerable as abusive. Even in conversation, a full ten seconds of silence before someone responds, every time before they respond, still falls into a category of healthy reasonable behavior.
Letting your partner know, if they don’t already, that you process at a particular pace, lets you stay connected while they wait to find out what’s going on. Being in a relationship with someone who is in some ways completely immediate and in other ways is always three days behind takes a particular embodiment of healthy individual.
Priorities, prioritization and natural and logical consequences may be somewhat foreign and nebulous to you. Keeping track of yourself, your thoughts, your plans, your goals and your activities may be somewhat difficult for you. There are many things about ourselves that we live with, see regularly, and still are not consciously aware of. And even if we become aware of them momentarily, they often slip out of consciousness, especially long term. We’re mostly strangers to ourselves.
If I’m making sense, or if you find that you prefer to discuss things…and aren’t finding the help you would prefer, feel free to contact Tezka. She’s marvelous with this stuff.