Tell me if any of you relate to my ramble:
I thought I was good at socializing. I can be quiet charming, actually. And I actually really love the linguistics of social interaction, both verbal and nonverbal, even though it trips me up a lot.
I’m stuck on the concept of using an apology as an opening. Like, “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to reply sooner” in an email. To me it’s not actually an apology, no one’s done anything wrong, and the other person isn’t even inconvenienced in this case. It’s just a polite greeting, a buffer before the actual content. But it’s awkward when they reassure me I don’t need to apologize, which I already know. Even though I’m aware that’s just a “correct” way to reply to an apology in as casual a manner as I gave it. It’s just like a mutual acknowledgement that unexpected time has passed.
So I think, look how much I know about weird unspoken social rules! I can’t actually be autistic, right?!
As if laying in bed deliberating the off-label use of apologies in conversational transition and filler, while mentally rehearsing an email I hope to write tomorrow and puzzling over the least important but most concerning part (the greeting) isn’t autistic as hell.
No, no, the frequent sensory overload and nonverbal shutdowns have no weight here.
Anyway, thanks for reading and happy stimming!
Edit: I’m okay on the wording/apologizing thing and don’t need advice (though I appreciate the effort all the same)! I wrote this post oddly but the point was imposter syndrome about autism and the apology thing was just an example.
I am also quiet charming. Mostly by being unspoken.
(silent appreciation for this comment)
I heard some advice a while back that was along the lines of, “stop apologizing and start thanking,” and I feel like it’s positively impacted how I phrase things.
Instead of asking forgiveness and moving the conversation into them feeling they have to defend their values on the spot, showing gratitude for their understanding actually makes people feel more valued. “Thank you for your patience” is an entirely different vibe than “sorry I didn’t get back to you” and puts much less burden on them. It shows you care about their time without making the focus about your failings and whether or not they agree they are failings.
It’s subtle, but I find it’s made a huge difference for me.
I also agree with others, in my experience apologies should be reserved for regret and actual feelings of penitence. It’s actually a very strong value of mine nowadays, and it certainly makes me much healthier.
Just some thoughts about what I’ve learned about this particular situation, it’s up to you how valid you think they are.
I agree and love that strategy! I just brought it up in another comment before I read this one.
This is the way I’d prefer to use the word “sorry” but I have adapted to using it more liberally for masking and it often takes significant effort to come up with alternatives. Hence this post, really.
I was using apologies as an example and was unclear about the actual point, I think. I doubted my own autism because I know and understand that “sorry” doesn’t always mean sorry and when and why.
And yet I was struggling with the idea of using it that way because it conflicts with my brain and values, and spending a disproportionate amount of time trying to figure out how to write the greeting.
Like spending 30+ minutes deliberating over the absolute least important part of an email due to social anxiety over language use… No, I couldn’t possibly be autistic (/sarcasm).
I do commiserate with the feeling that communicating anything takes a lot of energy and deliberateness to get across what one would actually like to, without compromising values. It’s part of why I wouldn’t mind finding some autistic friends, it’s been exhausting to have had this expected of me by default for so long.
I think surety in ones’ own sense of self takes time and introspection like you are doing now. I used to struggle more with being afraid of not “really” being autistic, bipolar etc, but time has showed me that I was right and trusting myself when it comes to myself is the smart thing to do. It’s possible you could get a sense of closure in that regard, in time, as well.
But even if you don’t, taking it tongue-in-cheek and keeping introspective means you’re growing, and that’s always a good thing ^^
The frequent over apologizing was a thing I had issues with as well. I focused on stopping because I realized it can be negative for those you communicate with.
Apologies are hard to reply too. So if your apologizing all the time your are putting a burden on them to acknowledge it. This can strain communication over time.
Also, like other things, overuse of apologies weakens them. If your a little more picky about when to apologize it will make them more genuine. This is also why I avoid yelling and cursing. So when I do those things, the expression has some potency.
Lasty it’s unprofessional in written communications. This is probably a more controversial opinion. But for the reasons above and because it can make your communication less concise. In the professional environment being clear and concise is more important then being polite. (Though you still need to be polite).
The added bonus is that doing this will make you sound more confident.
I completely agree. This is why I was agonizing over the email! The whole “It seems polite to say it” vs. “I must avoid needless apologies.”
For the times I feel tempted to over-apologize out of insecurity or shame, my favorite apology replacement strategy is saying thanks instead.
“Thanks for waiting” instead of “Sorry that took so long.”
It’s been recommended on here a few times but I’m finding that Goblin tools the judge tool is pretty good. If thats not cutting it I just have chat gpt do the whole letter. I’d generate one from scratch or have it make my existing letter “more readible” and ask it to be “less wordy”.
So if your apologizing all the time your are putting a burden on them to acknowledge it. This can strain communication over time.
This is very important. While unintentional, asking for sympathy at the start of and during every interaction is leaving less room for polite criticism, and less room for people to express annoyance without being an asshole.
To me it’s not actually an apology
Then stop doing it. An apology is for when you did or could have fucked something up. “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to reply sooner” means you are aware of a deadline involved for the other party and that deadline may have been fucked by your untimely response.
when they reassure me I don’t need to apologize
This means there was either no deadline involved or the deadline did not pass or nothing was fucked as a result. Also means that you may have incorrectly assumed information about the existence or properties of a deadline.
Knowledge and skill level can be divided approximately by degree and type of brainpower used. In this manner, Unconscious Use > Conscious Use.
Think about it this way: You’ve blocked everything out so you can dice an onion perfectly. If one thing distracts you, the dicing is gonna get fucked. Meanwhile, Sous Chef-san can dice an onion with his eyes closed and yelling at the new guy because he’s about to dump the wrong spice into the soup. Who one do you think is better at chopping onions?
Memorization is not learning. Learning is the ability to cross-reference information, and intelligence is the ability to select the appropriate knowledge to apply for the situation.
