Some premises: I am not suicidal, I am so afraid of death that I would never take my own life. Also, English isn’t my native language, so please forgive any errors.
For the purpose of this post, I’m writing some general things about myself: I’m a white man in my mid 20s and I’m autistic.
However, I don’t fit into the typical male stereotype of the autistic person passionate about trains. Instead, I tend to like things that are not typically considered socially acceptable for a man: I am a fan of pop culture and pop divas like Taylor Swift, Avril Lavigne, Ariana Grande and Olivia Rodrigo.
This, along with my general introversion and social fatigue, is one of the reasons I can’t find friends. I can’t find common interests with other men my age. I often found myself in online communities where most of the people were much younger than me and this made me feel uncomfortable, so I left those groups.
I deleted social media, except for Lemmy, Reddit, Telegram, X and YouTube. They are the only places where I don’t feel judged and free to express myself. It’s also a concern for me to stay on social media where my full name is required, because where I live employers scour every single sentence written on public social media, looking for any detail to have an excuse not to hire someone.
Another problem is work. Autism is a disability for me because it precludes me from any job where there is contact with the public, because it drains my energy too quickly. Unfortunately, where I live, working from home is not welcomed and after the pandemic everyone went back to working in person. I’m currently unemployed and I am worried about my parents becoming elderly and not being able to support them, neither financially nor emotionally. Instead, I’m the one who needs help from them.
My therapist is not helpful and he doesn’t understand the difficulties caused by my disability and thinks that it is enough to tell me motivational phrases to make all the problems go away.
I would like to go back to when I was a child. Despite the difficulties of autism and the bullying I suffered at school, I was carefree and only thinking about the present moment. Unfortunately, I’m aware that going back is not possible.
Instead, is there a way to appreciate life again despite all the difficulties and worries?
When it comes to appreciating life, I always think about what it actually takes to be alive.
Think about it. Trillions of cells working together to keep you alive. An immune system constantly defending you from anything and everything, even yourself. The amount of work it takes to live is extraordinary and we don’t even notice it. Life is extremely fragile and short. Every one of us was gifted a very short amount of time on this wild roller coaster we call life. To me that’s something to celebrate.
If you like pop culture and divas and whatnot, that’s awesome! Being passionate about something is great!
Truth is, I don’t have any good advice, really. I get where you’re coming from and I feel similar sometimes. Even at times when I feel really down, though, I like to stay up on a night with a clear sky, look at the stars and remind myself of how tiny our planet is. How tiny we are. How huge the cosmos is and how grateful I am for this tiny but of time that I get to spend on this Earth, however long it may be.
While I’m at it, I may as well recommend the Kurzgesagt YouTube channel. It has some great videos on loneliness, gratefulness and stuff like that. Their book “Immune” also really gave me a whole new sense of appreciation for my body and life itself.
Good luck and never be uncomfortable because of who you are and what you like. Our time here is too short to be wasted on nonsense like that.
Thank you very much for your answer! I’m sorry that sometimes you feel similar, I know it’s hard.
You actually gave me helpful advice! I love your description of life, as a gift to be fully appreciated and not to be spent feeling bad. I will try to change my mindset and stop feeling uncomfortable for being myself.
Thanks for the YouTube channel suggestion. I already heard of it, but never actually watched it. Other people told me it’s interesting too. I will check it out :)
Good luck to you too!