Posting this here because I’m unsure of where else to post something like this.
Over two years ago at this point I mutually ended a nearly year long relationship with someone I was still in love with. We were graduating high school and while still going to colleges in the same city, realized we were in over our heads and were in an unhealthy situation so we split it off. It destroyed me. It took me a year to get my shit together (I went on a minor drug-binge for about 3 months after and spent probably $6k from eating out and making sure I always had enough bud) but I eventually met my current partner. Things aren’t perfect in our relationship but I genuinely love her and we work to further strengthen our relationship. I don’t know that I see the rest of my life with her, but we’ve been together over a year now and I don’t have any intention of ending things anytime soon. We also live together so making it work is more of a necessity lol.
But I can’t get my ex out of my head. I’ve spent nearly every day for the last two years trying to let go of her but I don’t know why she keeps popping into my thoughts. I don’t love her, I don’t want to be with her, I don’t want her in my life. And ahe isn’t, but I’m still dealing with this. I do have a therapist who I’ve talked at length with about this but I don’t know, something about her just is stuck in my head. Maybe I preferred sex with her? I doubt it but she did kinda define what I consider my “type”, so maybe it’s just she’s more unromantically attractive to me? But it feels so much deeper than that. If it were those shallows reasons I feel like it would’ve been easier to debug and diagnose. She was my best friend. One day she was in my life, the next day not. It feels like a very specifically sized puzzle piece is missing and now there’s a small hole in the puzzle.
I don’t know, it’s kinda maddening. I don’t have most social media, so it’s easier to avoid her online and not think about her. But occasionally I find myself borderline stalking her, except it’s just me gathering random information I already know from OSINT tools with no intention or idea on how to utilize it (I’m well aware of how to use OSINT data, I mean in this specific situation). Part of it just feels like someone really important to me was rapidly removed from my life and I yearn to reconnect with them, but I guess I fear what such an endeavor might reawaken in me. I don’t love her, at least I don’t think I do. If I do it would be monumentally fucked up and I would feel like I’m emotionally cheating on my partner, who is somewhat aware of this issue but thinks I have it figured out (I thought I did too; I’m not knowingly lying to my partner). I don’t know, I sent them a proper goodbye email a few months ago and thought that was that but it’s clearly not. And I’ve put so much time and effort into trying to wrap it up for myself but now it feels like I’m just lost and stuck. Part of me just wants to reach out and ask if we can get a cup of coffee, but the other part of me recognizes the red flags in that immediately.
I just want to be done with this. I want my brain to get it through itself thar it’s over. It’s been over. There’s no changing the past, and if I could, I don’t think I would’ve reached the point where I am in life with my current opportunities if we had stayed together. Part of why we broke up was because as I was learning how to sell pot (which I was never very good at), I became a massive stoner (which I am very good at). She wasn’t anti-weed but didn’t appreciate it. When eventually saw that us growing apart was hurting each other and decided to leave things behind. Being young and dumb, I didn’t handle the breakup well. I didn’t do anything bad or harmful to her or anyone else, but it was obvious to both of us that I wasn’t okay afterwards. When I feel like I needed her the most, she was gone from my life. In doing so she broke our promise of prioritizing our friendship over the relationship. I don’t really know. I understand a lot of the reasons why I’m hurt and some are justified some are not. I understand the role I played and the responsibility I had in hoe things ended. I was not a great partner in a lot of instances, and neither was she. But part of me wonders if we had met now what it would be like. But I wouldn’t have been who I am now without her and without being without her. I’m just so fucking unsure man.
I’m sorry if this is really rambly. I expect that the majority of answers will probably be to just get over it already, which I’m trying to do. I just don’t feel like it’s the right thing to ask to see her again, because that feels like an eventual mistake rather than closure. Idk, tell me I’m an idiot or an asshole to my current partner or something. I just want to be done with dealing with the legacy of a long-dead relationship.
TL;DR: Mutually ended a significant relationship when I wasn’t ready. Been kinda fucked since. Want to not be fucked so I can be a better partner. I suck for this.
You keep thinking about them, because you have yet to find someone, who can satisfy the feelings you used to experience. Completely distancing yourself first is a correct step. You know what to do, you just need to do it. Meeting new people, let alone at a level of connection like this, is quite difficult, so try to fill your time with hobbies. The more involved, the better
I’m unsure its that simple. I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve been in and I love my partner dearly. Another commenter offered a completely new framing of the issue which i haven’t had time to dive into, but seems very fascinating.
I agree, it’s not that simple. No relationship I’ve ever been in has compared with how fervently I loved my first love, who was also my first serious adult relationship. I loved her so much it was unhealthy.
We dated for about four years, then split up rather unexpectedly. It took me several years to get over it, even going through another two serious relationships in the meantime. A new relationship doesn’t just erase the experience and the pain. Distract for a time, maybe, but it’s still there until you work it out.
I think different people accept the loss of a relationship differently. I’m a big ol’ nerdy nerd so I had to do it intellectually: I started mapping out what the relationship was actually like versus how I felt it was like. I was surprised to gradually discover it was toxic as hell. I began to see how the ex I loved and practically worshipped was also immature, noncommutative, and manipulative. I also saw their positive attributes for what they were and that, despite my brain screaming at me I’d never find someone like that again, they were actually pretty common. That’s when I really started to understand that my ex was a regular person just like anyone else and I had put her on a pedestal. The intense feelings of longing and loss then gradually subsided with time, especially as these realizations caused me to stop thinking about her as often and especially to stop fantasizing about seeing her again or even getting back together. It wasn’t just that I no longer had the desire to see her again - I actively wanted to never see her again. She was awful.
That’s just my experience, hopefully to give you some additional perspective. I’m an open book if you have any questions.
Thanks for your insight! I do look at the relationship now and see that we were both exceptionally flawed people and there’s baggage from that relationship (unrelated to this) that I’ve had to take care of. I’ve done what I can to map it out because I’m also quite similar in that regard, but it just keeps feeling like dead end after dead end. We weren’t the best to each other, but we certainly weren’t horrible people just young and dumb. I have had to deal with not placing her on a pedestal though.
Someone else said it may be me still trying to process the unexpected failure of the relationship rather than longing for the person themselves, and I think it could be a good lead for further analysis. It feels like a good idea as a lot of my what ifs towards her are about what could’ve gone differently or what may go differently if there’s a second chance. But contrary to some of the people here, I don’t really want a second chance. My ex kinda hated weed and i smoke it daily. She didn’t like smokers and well my cigarette consumption is down but my nicotine usage is still sky high. I’m not the young, brighteyed kid she played D&D with but someone who’s been hardened by time and paranoia (im in cybersecurity, it comes with the territory). I know it wouldn’t work now for the same reasons it didn’t work then. And understanding that the loss of the relationship was neither of our faults but just poor circumstances that were largely unavoidable (although i did try).
I don’t love her, I don’t want to be with her, I don’t want her in my life.
are you sure about that? there must be something about her that pervades your mind and compells you to (want to) invite her for coffee, not to mention the stalking. i know this comes off as inflammatory, but i think it’s important to consider the possibility that you are in denial; after all, you absolutely have a vested interest in those 3 statements being true
My ex wife was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive.
I still think about her when I hear love songs.
Human minds and attachments are weird. Sometimes we just don’t mind being lonely as long as we aren’t alone.
I could not explain to you how many times I stood in the front yard, staring at my car, thinking about how I could just walk out the gate and leave.
People are complicated little fuckers
I have considered that possibility and I remain skeptical of myself so I don’t rule them out. But the evidence seems to be pointing to other things rather than that.
sounds good. i just wanted to suggest it in an emotionally provocative way; i’ve been burned before by my base assumptions being wrong
And that’s so fair. I’m a bit worried that my knowledge is indeed flawed and that I’ll realize I love her or something if I were to see her again. But typing that out just sounds so silly; how can you love someone you don’t even know anymore?
inversely, you aren’t the same person as the one that fell in love with her. you are both different people now and you even have a relationship now that will shape you even further :]. part of it is accepting like the other commenter pointed out: human minds are weird
Over time it doesn’t get any easier, the pain just gets further away.
Unless you fall madly in love with the person you were meant to be with.
I agree, but I would clarify I am coming from a place of the right person “right now” versus forever as that is just not how love goes for most.
There is no one person you’re meant to be with - that outlook is incredibly detrimental to your mental health.
Unless you think that everyone is the same person and humanity is just a distributed consciousness. In which case anyone you end up with at any time is the person you’re supposed to be with. At which point the key to moving forward is trusting and forgiving “yourself”.
I think that’s healthier but still unhealthy. People who are physically or emotionally abusive are clearly the wrong person to be with - for anyone. Some people just shouldn’t be in relationships with anybody.
Just like… form relationships with people that make your life better and avoid shitty people. If a relationship makes your life worse don’t continue it.
Eh. I’ve been “madly in love” and felt like I would never get that feeling again. Turns out you can.
That’s the counter-intuitive thing. We’re actually hard wired to fall in love, so it’s relatively easy to do so.
It’s something dating shows use to their advantage. Chuck a bunch of attractive people into a villa, out of their comfort zone, stressed, then give them drink and make them stay awake for long hours being filmed doing romantic shit, and the chances are they’ll start developing actual feelings as the hormones start pumping.
We obviously roll our eyes at someone saying they’re in love after they’ve been on screen for 50 seconds, but from what I’ve heard from production and crew on at least one of these shows, they genuinely do have feelings for each other.
Which weirdly makes me less cynical about these reality shows, but more cynical about actual love. If humans can fall in love that easily, it does make love feel less special.
in my opinion love is no more than specific neurochemicals that incite breeding caused by specific triggers. however there are many stages of parenting and humans evolved not to just bust and dust as we began to socialize and civilize. those instincts require different neurochemicals, all with their own triggers. i think lust and infatuation are caused when we find someone that triggers that first stage of breeding. but real love is finding someone who is able to trigger other sets of neurochemicals that drive you to stay with them. someone that you enjoy being around and spending time with. viewing love as biochemistry isn’t as bleak as a lot of people say, because it also explains why we find people who we want to be with in the long term. it doesn’t denigrate what love it, it just shows that real love takes work and effort to maintain.
Your feelings/instincts do not care about your rational thoughts. The thoughts are something that’s tacked on afterwards. Most of the time we simply use the thoughts to explain our emotions, instead of using the thoughts as an initial source of what to do. The fact that we use thoughts to override our emotions is a relatively new thing.
Also, we as a species have very strong mate preference as soon as we have sex with someone. Our face memory is extremely good. This is obviously to ensure that whatever offspring you create has better survival chances since their parents stay together. Nature doesn’t know about contraception. Whatever triggered your pair-bond instinct assumes you might have babies right now. You as a male don’t go through pregnancy, so you have no “trigger” that tells your biological processes “we have a baby now” - it’s safe to assume since you had lots of sex, there’s likely a baby there now.
Also, the first love is always the strongest emotionally. I’m 33 now and still think about the girl I was in love with as a teenager sometimes. That’s not a rare occurrence.
I would like to ask you three things:
What did your therapist say to this?
Look deep inside you… are you lonely right now?
And last, why do you say that you don’t know if you see the rest of your life with your current partner?
My therapist is in the camp (as am i) that this is just going to take a lot of time and effort to heal. Another commenter used the term “what ifs” and i think that’s most of the issue. I’ve come a long way in this but when the progress is slow and steady, sometimes it feels like you’re not moving. i think with time, as it already has, it will fade from throbbing to sore to aching (current) to an occasional tightness.
in many ways yes, but it’s mainly because for the last few months of 2023 I had entered a self isolation as my work is remote and my classes were on break. i was home most of the time so I spent a lot of time with my partner and sometimes with friends (mainly scheduling issues and miscommunications, but also lack of effort from my part). the isolation was to dive deep into the issue and i believed i moved from the sore part to the aching part. it took a bit of time to debug all of those issues, but with effort and psychedelics i was able to move further onwards. it’s a slow journey onwards, but I’m sure the way forward is just continuous introspection and chipping away at the issue. to help with that i am making an effort to be more social and stay connected to my friends this year.
i think we may be at two very different parts of our lives and emotional journey. we’re both in college and are similar ages, it’s just our future plans and desires feel like they diverge a lot, and I am working on getting to a very specific position in my field that will require me to have a fast paced and busy lifestyle. i can’t guarantee a lot of the traditional aspects of stability in a relationship, because i don’t desire that stability for myself. theres also that due to the aforementioned relationship, i question if this one will fall apart similarly; we realize we’re growing in different directions in life and it’s better dor ourselves if we break up. Or even as simply as i question if this is just a college relationship. i believe in us and our relationship, but there are so many unaccounted variables, including at times myself.
Interesting :)
To me it sounds like there simply are certain things in your previous relationship that you really liked, even though in total it was the “right” thing to do to break up. And maybe that right now, you aren’t really getting these things that you really liked. And naturally, as humans, we always want to do better, be better, have it all. And it’s very hard, in my experience, to come to terms with the fact that it may not be possible to “have it all”. Maybe I’m completely wrong, if I am, just disregard me :D
And last, why do you say that you don’t know if you see the rest of your life with your current partner?
Don’t overburden yourself with these thoughts. If you don’t see them in the rest of your life because of red flags, that’s one thing, but if you don’t see them in the rest of your life because you’re unsure, that’s totally fine. Take it day by day, week by week, month by month.
Maybe give this advice after you know what their answer is? :D Could certainly be good advice, but I don’t think it makes sense to shy away from trying to answer at all.
Right yea, I actually mean to say that “I agreed with the caveat of …”, but while furiously editing my comment I lost that
I’ve been in your shoes. I nearly married my ex that cheated on me. You know what happened? Like you I tried to move on and ended up meeting my wife while my ex was trying to reconcile. She admitted that she screwed up and that we should start over. I ended up snubbing her in favor of giving my now-wife a shot. Almost 16 years later and it was the best decision I ever made relationship-wise. My mistake was thinking my ex was the only one for me.
It’s okay to not have the answers. It’s okay to take time to figure this out for you. But you need to understand that if your ex hurt you when you really needed them, that’s not the person that is going to be by your side at all times - they failed that check already. Life is short and fleeting - don’t waste your good years hoping something will manifest itself through all of the past drama. You’re fantastic and someone is DEFINITELY out there that will appreciate you for exactly who you are.
There’s lots of fish in the sea, and potentially there might be several people out there that might be the one - give this one a chance!
Look into “mindfulness”
I am very mindful of myself. I practice very regular introspection and have multiple models and frameworks to view, analyze, and develop myself. This has just been an incredibly deep rooted issue that I’ve been actively debugging going on for two years now.
That’s a common misconception about mindfulness that I fell - and sometimes still fall - for. It’s not about knowing a tool or framework, and using it when you think you need it. It is not debugging a one off. It is a practice. You do it as a routine, and it slowly shifts how you face the world and yourself. It’s not the answer we are looking for, especially in a crisis, it’s not a fix. It’s a change, it takes the rest of your life, and it’s not a linear system of inputs and outputs.
I do that consistently. I spend most of my time just thinking. And i don’t mean about totally random stuff like would a gorilla or a killer squid win in a fight (i think about that too tho) but self reflecting and introspecting. I spend a majority of my mental time continuously examining myself and my being and changing and reflecting on it. When I say debugging, I don’t mean one offs. I’m consistently rebuilding and refactoring myself given new information and the context which I exist in. I put a lot of effort into self awareness and being aware of my environment and the spaces I exist within. I have entire personal philosophies dedicated to specific things as to help understand and guide myself in those situations.
I don’t know you or your mind, but from that, it sounds busy AF.
That’s not what a mindfulness practice is like at all. To be clear, I wasn’t referring to a dictionary definition of mindfulness, but to the Buddhist meditation kind. In mindfulness meditation you would be working to get to a completely different state, where you simply observe, instead of analyzing.
I could be projecting, and I apologize for that, but I see myself a little in what you described: I used to scan myself all the time, and think of things to fix and improve, dwell on what I did wrong and what I am going to do better tomorrow, think through many moral scenarios and arguments so I would act in a sound and correct way. That’s fine and very valuable.
It is also why mindfulness was hard for me to get into - because I couldn’t be inside my head like that all the time. It is almost the opposite of that. It’s hard to step aside from that torrent of thoughts, especially if you are an introvert and used to tapping into that rich inner world. Mindfulness meditation is training your mind to reach a sort of silent tranquility, a blank slate where you can draw your true intentions on and then maybe reach deeper insights. It helped a lot when I accepted that we are not entirely rational, even when we think we are acting purely on logical thoughts. We need to connect somehow to that latent emotional side, to recognize it more often. And this only clicked on my late twenties, until then I thought I could just think myself into any desired outcome (spoiler alert: it didn’t work).
I am sure there are many resources out there that explain this better than I can. My point is introspection != mindfulness.I appreciate your response. It isn’t difficult for me to hit that state of tranquility – psychedelics taught me how to reach it. I often use it when I’m feeling down and tired and need a pick me up. Or when there’s not much going on and I take the time to enjoy life for the small things. I don’t fully clear my mind per se, but i let the thoughts flow like a river and they move too fast for me. instead im on the riverbank picking berries. weed also helps a lot because it’s able to slow me down and give me the room i need to sit and be with myself, which usually leads to more thinking as i listen closely to what my body and brain tell me. But I’ll look more into mindfulness. Thank you!
That isn’t what mindfulness is at all. Really, look into it.
Finding closure of some kind I think. Keeping in mind why you broke up, why it didn’t work out, why there wasn’t a future in the relationship, etc.
The relationship before my current partner of over ten years was really intense, I thought she was really the one, she was what I had imagined my ideal type was for practically my whole adolescence. But a spot of long distance and her parents disapproval had us in a bit of on again off again, where during one drunk call to me, she admitted to kissing other guys (at the very least), and that was enough for me to just go, “oh, I think our expectations are too different”, and I was able to put a hard end to that. Yeah, I occasionally think of her, but more in the curious way you wonder about an old acquaintance.
I had a friend with a sort of similar situation to yours, he and his girlfriend mutually broke up when we were all graduating high school because her friends convinced her that long distance wouldn’t work out. It really messed both of them up, especially since they kind of stayed in contact. A lot of weird stories there, but not really mine to tell. But he talked a few times about all the “what-ifs” and it feels like that’s the hardest part in letting go of a relationship.
On the other hand, if you can convince yourself that the answer to “what if?” is basically “nothing good”, I think that can help. Though, easier said than done, it’s kinda like brainwashing yourself by focusing on all the negatives about them. Easy for me because of the cheating, but not so easy for my friend.
I think it really is the what ifs. She was the person I decided I would settle down and tamper my ambitions for. And then we broke up and it swept the rug out from under me. I’ve since decided to never make that decision again (my future plans will require me to maintain a very active and busy lifestyle) and not tamper my ambition for anyone, but that’s at the expense of properly “settling down” into a singular, stable place. But the what ifs on if things had gone differently or if I ever do see her again (very possible, we live in the same city and my parents don’t live too far from where she used to dorm). I am content with what I have now but I am skeptical of myself and worry that should I actually see her again, I may realize i feel differently. Rationally i know that what’s more likely is that two old friends will reconnect, and I’ll fully see that our parting was for the best, but I can’t help but wonder. Idk, this is gonna take a long time to fully debug and it’s so multifaceted that it always feels like you’re starting over. But mistakes do not define us or reset all our progress, they just remind us that we are fallible and thus human. They are to be learned from and grown from. Thank you for your insight, I truly appreciate it more than you know.
Therapy or much time
Both of those already in progress :')
I know it’s kind of a given, but this is truly something that therapy can be great for.
Good, write another one of these in a couple of months instead of stalking her and you’re set.
But really, you’re young, that’s how these things go. Don’t overthink it.
I do write these types of things every so often. I journal pretty regularly and sometimes look back on it. I agree that the stalking portion is abhorrent and inexcusable. I think I just feel so disconnected from someone I miss from my life, especially as a friend, that I try to find some way to actually see what she’s up to without actually creating a social media account and reaching out, or sending an email. I just don’t think I’m in a place to actually do that in a healthy manner, which the actions detailed above clearly show. I really need to figure my shit out with this.
Edit: these incidents are far and few between as well, and are usually just quick google searches or something on a social media i actually have, always with very little showing up. today escalated to an unacceptable level, even if all I did was reconfirm old information. it’s not something that should be done and i need to respect her privacy.
18-19 are one of the most vulnerable years for a person, and I feel like relationships at that age make an incredibly lasting impression, and the feelings themselves are so unique and strong in a different way. It took me years to get over my boyfriend I was with at that time and even now he holds a very dear and special place in my heart.
Love is a strange thing and I am still not sure about how it works in the time dimension, but I have noticed that if I loved, those feelings were mine and will always stay with me, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Also, present guilt can be more powerful than past love. I have the impression that that is what is in tormenting you. Stop being so hard on yourself for having human feelings, you deserve acceptance from yourself.
By building context.
Other, new experiences with other, new people. Are they better? Worse? Comparable?
You won’t know what it is like or what it even means to be “over” it until you have an idea of something else that will work for you.
I am in the healthiest relationship of my life with someone I genuinely love and appreciate, which makes these feelings all the worst. I think thanks to our fellow lemmings, i have some good ideas on how to progress forward. But the strategy you outlined is what helped me get to this point, so thank you for your perspective!
It sounds less like you’re missing your ex, and more like that you’re disappointed in the fact that the relationship failed. It sounds like you built up an expectation of your relationship with your ex, and when that ended up falling through, you feel let down. And it sounds like you can’t decide whether to put the blame on her or yourself.
If I’m reading that correctly, I think the best thing to do is to acknowledge this fact, that the issue is not that you’re missing the relationship, but that you’re struggling with the emotional letdown when your relationship ended up being less ideal than you initially planned. Because if you keep thinking that the issue is that you’re missing her subconsciously, you’re going to get led to the wrong solutions. For instance, putting blame on you or her isn’t going to solve the actual issue.
If we take this premise to be true, then I think addressing the real issue probably comes down to thinking about what your expectations were and thinking about how the relationship was never going to meet those expectations from the beginning (based on the examples that you gave). Ultimately, I don’t know your situation, and I’m not a therapist. But that’s my interpretation of what you wrote
This was kind of an eye opener for me as well. I’ve had a hard time of letting go of some of my exes, and I always wondered why. What you said coupled with the fact that I sometimes have a habbit of idealizing a relationship and fanatsizing about what it would look like 3, 5, 10 years from now, is at the root of the problem, but I never framed it like that.
Thank you for the words of wisdom 👍. I am past those relationships, but I never figured out why it took me so long to get over them.
Holy shit dude that’s not a perspective i had considered before. that’s massive damn. i need to chew on this for a sec but i genuinely appreciate this. i think your analysis is very accurate and helps me reframe the issue. it would explain why i feel like im making so little progress, because I’m not debugging the actual issue. thank you again!
I have been there so close to this situation. It is almost like “how am I supposed to meet someone else?” Everything is numb and nothing really takes it away. But it does with time. And TIME TAKES TIME.
Just try today to appreciate a few things about your new partner that make them special. Like maybe their smile, or laugh, or just the fact they are with you. Love the one you’re with.
Someone told me when I broke up at first that ”They are not there anymore” - meaning that the relationship is not there for me anymore. It’s true.
Be grateful this happened so early in your life and you have so much great life ahead!!
Thank you, your perspective is very helpful. I do try to appreciate my partner and not take them for granted. I also attempt to acknowledge that there’s no going back. the only way is forward.
just kill a series of people that remind you of your ex… after about 10 the original breakup won’t matter anymore…
