Turns out the reply in my thread telling me the best way to combat not caring about Linux is to care about Linux was absolutely correct.
I picked up a laptop, installed Linux Mint Cinnamon, and I’m already obsessed. I haven’t had this much fun with a PC in a long time and it’s just a cheapo Dell Inspiron 3520.
The Openrazer driver suite combined with Polychromatic is better than the official razer stuff on windows. Less bloated and actually works properly. The only issue I had was needing remapper software to intercept mouse4 and mouse5 from my trackball for compatibility with Firefox forward/backward gestures. Same issue I had with the trackpad.