Turns out the reply in my thread telling me the best way to combat not caring about Linux is to care about Linux was absolutely correct.
I picked up a laptop, installed Linux Mint Cinnamon, and I’m already obsessed. I haven’t had this much fun with a PC in a long time and it’s just a cheapo Dell Inspiron 3520.
I really liked Mint Cinnamon, my only qualm was I couldn’t find a replacement for FancyZones / DisplayFusion for it - if you find something, please let me know!
I ended up switching to KDE and using a plugin I found on GitHub to recreate the functionality ~90% (it wasn’t snappy, quick tiles 2, or krohnkite…those unfortunately didn’t work). But at the moment KDE doesn’t have the same responsiveness and polish that I feel Mint Cinnamon had.