I’ve tried the serenity prayer without god and I’m reading the subtle art of not giving a f*ck, but it’s not enough. The book is good though.
There are still moments when people really piss me off and while I’d like that not to affect me, my first instinct is still to feel anger and to hate the jackass making my life or work difficult. Sometimes I’d like to punch him in the face.
It could be the plumber who doesn’t come on the agreed day, the technician who ‘repaired’ a tv set, only to have the same issue the next day, a coworker who keeps yelling when I’m trying to work and even after asking him not to be loud, blatantly ignores me or coworkers who importunate me with stupid questions about my weekend.
A strategy I’m going to use now at the workplace is to ignore every non related job question from these people and only answer when they ask something job related. As for the plumber, the hate usually subsides after 2 days, but I’d like to be more resilient, not to jump to anger and hate so easily.
It’s like I’m emotionally very easy to trigger.
I don’t know if you agree with this sentence: A person who yells does it because he doesn’t have power to modify a situation to his advantage, because he is powerless.
This is how I feel sometimes.
You must log in or register to comment.
Whenever I get into an argument with someone on the Internet and I keep arguing with them past the point I should stop (it’s useless or I’m just wicked frustrated) I set up a monthly donation to something that would piss them off. And that’s why I have monthly donations to Sesame Street, the ACLU, and the SPLC.
Regulation activities will help you build up more resilience.
You’re at the edge. Your cup is full. You’re out of copium. You need to purposefully recharge.
I think arriving to the ability to not let this trigger you requires a lot of little decisions and changes. Like accepting that people will fail or suck at their job, being able to roll with shit, having alternate/backup plans… Like if the cable guy was coming today, then I’d have shit planned to do around the house and I wouldn’t plan anything else that day. I’d game, clean, do chores, do outside projects, change the car oil, whatever needs to be done nearby that I can take a break from when they finally show up. Small businesses I’d probably call in the morning and verify they’re showing up for sure that day.
I guess it’s a combination of assuming the worst case scenario and focusing on what you can control. (“Plan fo the worst, hope for the best”) So in the case of the shitty co worker, I’d ask them to tone it down. If they won’t, then what can I do? Can I move elsewhere? If I can’t I might ask the supervisor if they can get my desk moved. Of course they are going to do the easier job of telling Jack wagon to stfu but now it’s coming from the supervisor. I can control the coworker, but I can control myself, I can try to manipulate the situation. There might be other options depending on the situation like putting in earbuds and refraining from clubbing them like a baby seal.
But yeah, I agree. I think a person yells when they think they have no power over the situation. I grew up being yelled at all the time it’s very easy for me to fall into that trap too and I understand how hard it is to not resort to that when I’m frustrated or overwhelmed. It gets 100x worse when I’m tired.
Exercise.
If you are literally only able to focus on inhaling and exhaling, the ruminative thoughts will not stand a chance.
To me it sounds like you have low levels of serotonin. It made me irritable and easily angered too.
Medicine that helps with that are SSRIs (antidepressants). You have to ask a psychiatrist about those. Or, if you don’t want to go full medical about it, try a 5-HTP over-the-counter supplement, which is a serotonin building block. And also ease up on masturbation… It drains your serotonin.
You don’t even have to take these for very long. They have a side-effect of making you sleepy, because serotonin is processed into melatonin. Take them on and off just enough to get some perspective on how artificial your mood is, which is when you’ll gain a level of control that will stay with you even after you’ve stopped taking the medicine.
This was my first thought, too.
I started taking antidepressants a few months ago to treat ADHD-related anxiety and depression. (The doctor suggested that I could try ADHD-specific meds, but pointed out that I’m already a relatively successful adult, so clearly I’ve built coping mechanisms over the years.)
I’m surprised by how much more rational I’ve become when dealing with stuff.
I first really noticed it when I was crossing at an intersection and a driver turning right didn’t see me and almost hit me. She slammed on the brakes and waved her hands in a clearly startled and apologetic way. Before the meds I probably would have flipped her the bird and had my heart pounding in my ears for the next half hour as I seethed with anger. Now, my thought was “She made a mistake. I’m fine. She knows she made a mistake and she’ll certainly be more careful next time. It’s okay.”
That’s not to say that I don’t get angry anymore. I just get angry about stuff that matters or where I can change something. It feels a lot healthier.
Standard disclaimer: I’m not a doctor. This is not medical advice. It’s just my anecdotal experience. Maybe talk to your doctor about getting tested for depression and/or anxiety. (I had never thought to before this year, because in my youth I was just called “disorganized”, “lazy”, and “scatterbrained”.)
Constructive Nihilism, or my own spin on it, has helped me.
Everything in the universe, including us, are nothing but subatomic billiards balls bouncing off one another. Free will isn’t even an illusion, but a delusion. Consciences may not even exist beyond a concept we use as a shortcut to describe ourselves.
If you can truly internalize and grock those ideas, getting angry at a person, makes as much sense as getting angry at ocean wave. In fact your feelings of anger are internally nothing more than a few billiard balls bouncing in your own brain.
It’s not perfect. I still get annoyed occasionally. But then I remember these facts, and suddenly the feelings of anger just go away as quickly as they arrived. They seem silly and trivial.
Do you drink coffee? You sound like me when I was drinking it. I quit because it made me so irritable. Didn’t use to make me like that, but it changed over time.
Being Peace by Thich Nhat Hanh
Getting to Where You Are by Steven Harrison
Journey Without Goal by Chogyam Trungpa
I recommend them in this order. I think Journey Without Goal is more useful after reading the other two - it’s not a good starting point. The idea is sort of to start with calming the noise in your head that makes you anxious or upset, then explore understanding and getting to know yourself, and then after finding some measure of internal stability work on larger perspectives on your life and your relationship with others.
For me, it was being perpetually high on weed for 6 years. Now I can just let everything roll off.
My toddler has really taught me how to control my anger, there’s something about having someone slap you in the face and scream at you while you carry them to the car without having any recourse other than asking them to calm down and please stop hitting you that really teaches you how to find some zen …
Please teach me this zen, because holy hell toddler tantrums are the worst! They’ve made dealing with morons at work much easier.
I don’t recommend OP take on a toddler until they master their own emotions.
Good for you, though! Sending you a hex against other random stress-inducing disasters befalling your family while you’re navigating this difficult passage.
I don’t know if you agree with this sentence: A person who yells does it because he doesn’t have power to modify a situation to his advantage, because he is powerless.
Definitely do agree, and I fall victim to this myself. I think the root cause is feeling that powerlessness is unacceptable. Resolve that root cause, and the emotional reaction to powerlessness solves itself.
The way I work towards that resolution is to try to recognize that “not being in complete control of things” is the default state. Then I try to add some “make the best decisions I can considering the circumstances I find myself in” – even (especially?) when those circumstances are the result of my own previous “less than best” decisions.
I don’t always succeed at this. That’s just how it goes. Reassess the circumstances, make another decision. If I’m continually running into difficulty, take smaller steps, make smaller decisions.
It’s a process, and a skill, developing a skill requires practice, and practicing means not being very good at it in the beginning, and never being perfect.
Take a pause, take a breath, figure out where you’re at and where you want to go, make a decision and execute on it. Expect to fail, and forgive yourself when you do.
This might sound odd, but start listening to metal music.
A lot of the lyrics in these songs are aggressive and downright violent (especially if you start listening to death metal and black metal), and for me, it helps to release my emotion.
For example, many people think “I want to punch that person right in their dumb face”. Listening to a song that talks about doing it, and mentally visualizing it, is very cathartic. I don’t really know how to explain it, but just letting go to the music and having it take all your rage and frustration helped me a lot going through similar situations.
I mean with the plumber your the customer so, ya know, use a different plumber or if its something simple like a faucet you can get a home depot book or use the internet and do it yourself. Like replacing a p-trap or a toilet flusher is dead simple. If its in the wall though then you have to start being a bit at a higher level. I honestly have never had something like a tv repaired. I might unscrew the back and see if anything is obviously wrong and then likely get a new one. I agree with the work thing. If its non work related I would just say I need to conecentrate as im having a problem with x project and Im trying a different approach or something.
I have to agree with this. I’m more inclined to learn how to do something myself before calling a service person. I don’t trust people to do shit right. And if I find it’s above my pay grade, then maybe I’ll have learned enough in looking into it to know whether or not I’m getting screwed over.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy
It’s stood up to scrutiny as a therapeutic tool from several meta-analyses.
In my experience you’re describing loneliness and perhaps depression. These are not easy things to overcome, but they are universal.
Our society is well equipped to deal with broken bones, much less than its ability to mend hearts and minds.
Walking and sunlight are relatively easy circuit breakers, talking might be a little harder to find, but asking here is a good start.
If you have the financial means or employer support, it can be extremely helpful to speak with a psychologist, but just like plumbers, there are bad ones, good ones and great ones, so don’t hesitate to try a few different people on for size.
Reacting in anger gets easier the more you do it, the same is true for reacting with grace, but you have to practise to get better at it. Take an extra breath before opening your mouth is one way to get started.
Finally, find fun, watch a flashmob or a funny song on YouTube, dance, be silly. It’s hard to be angry whilst you’re smiling.
Good luck.
