I work with a needy man, the kind of person who needs constant attention and feels threatened by silence. If I choose to read something on my phone instead of giving him attention he asks if everything’s all right. If I choose to meditate, adopting a yoga like position and closing my eyes before working he asks the same. It’s like he needs people talking to him constantly.
I am the opposite, I believe: I don’t talk about my life at work, I go there because I need a paycheck, but I’m open to learn from more knowledgeable colleagues, something he clearly is not.
What I’ve done so far: avoiding him, not looking him in the eye when he wants to talk to me, telling him that I’m working when he wants to talk to me, giving dull answers, feigning ignorance about several topics, ignoring him when I’m talking to another person and he asks what we’re talking about.
He still comes and sits next to me and tells me about his family, something I don’t care about.
I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life, but considering the ‘offense’ this seems too much and knowing me I’d immediately regret it and feel bad about it.
Why am I like this?
Seems like you tried all the regular tricks in the book. Try telling your manager or HR and see if they can do something about it. You want to work and the company does alse but this guy clearly doesn’t.
first you tell him you don’t like to exchange more than a few sentences per person. then you tell him, he exceeded his limit for years, so you will not talk to him any more, except if it’s a real business matter. then you don’t reply, unless it’s a real business matter, for the next few years.
Headphones. Headphones are an excellent tool for isolation in a workplace because they don’t raise objections or cause friction like saying you’re uninterested but they tend to be very effective at deflection.
Just get a nice big obvious pair of headphones and put them on when he might come by and, if he waves or something just immediately respond with “Sorry, I’m in the middle of this can you message me?”
I did this and when he’d talk I acted like I didn’t hear him. Worked for me
I went from AirPods to pros for the noise cancellation when I have to go into the office due to a very loud, annoying coworker. It was one of the best purchases I’ve ever made. Now I just ignore the noise and chatter and do my work.
me: (with my headphones put on)
colleague: what are you listening to?
me: (speechless)
16 hours of silence.
16 hours of brown noise
Taking pooping on the bosses dime to the MAXXXX.
boss makes a dollar, I make a dime…
That’s why I poop on company time
There we go. Took a minute lol
And if they have the feature you could leave them in Tranparency mode, allowing you still hear everything going on as if you weren’t wearing them.
Half the time when I’m wearing headphones they aren’t even turned on.
Why am I like this?
Because different people are different. I am the same. I could not give 2 shits about my coworkers personal lives.
Us dudes are thick as bricks, put him on the backdoor by using some of these.
I’m in the middle of something, I wish you would stop interrupting me.
Dude, stop interrupting me.
No seriously, if you keep interrupting me I will have to talk to management about it.
I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life,
Tell them to leave you alone, that you don’t care about their life.
I’m 100% serious. Just be honest if thats the way you feel. It sets up boundaries and if they are a sane person, they’ll respect you for your honesty.
Well, sometimes people just don’t ever get it and they need to be told to fuck off in very blunt words. I think that usually poisons the well and dries up further conversation, permanently. But I’m not sure if this is the case here. And that strategy comes with possibly other severe consequences. So I won’t recommend it.
Another strategy would be to have someone else talk to him… You yourself seem to be getting nowhere. But maybe he listens to other people, or they’re somehow more gifted to get through to people like him.
What also sometimes works (depending on circumstances) are large headphones. They might be part of your work anyways, if you’re doing online-meetings in the office, or you are allowed to listen to music… Either do that and you can’t hear him anyways, or just put them on all day and say “Huh?” 200 times a day and see if he picks up on it. Though, this might not work if he’s stupid, as well. Or he might start tapping you on the shoulder and invade your privacy even more… Idk. But headphones have worked for me in various situations. Especially if they’re big and noticeable.
Just tell him you don’t talk a lot because you need to concentrate at work and you always keep it professional because you wanna separate work and private life.
Small chance it might be awkward for a bit but he will respect it. Unless he is an asshole then you don’t owe friendliness.
Have you tried telling him… to leave you alone?
Have you tried gushing?
Not just responding, and having a busy conversation, but just not stopping, even interrupting him.
It wouldn’t be my first choice, I prefer direct honesty, but you already tried telling him you’re working.
You could try even more directly saying that you don’t want to talk casually at work, but that requires not doing so with anyone, or you might as well just tell him you don’t like him and be done with it that way. Which is an option. He is someone you don’t like, but I assume you’re wanting to avoid that because it’s work, so that’s the absolute last option.
Take up skiing and make that your entire personality
Oh yes! Talk to him about MULTILEVEL MARKETING! Hell, OP might even be able to sell him garbage and make some money on the side if he’s stupid and desperate enough!!!
Hello coworker, have I told you about our Lord and savior, Xenu?
Xenu? Warrior Princess?
NO! Warrior EMPEROR! of the galactic empire! (very space opera!)
…it’s Scientology, isn’t it? It’s so sad I can barely tell the difference
I don’t think there’s any need to be rude. Just tell him you appreciate that he wants to make sure you’re alright, but that you’re just not a very talkative person and you quite enjoy silence. You can say it’s nothing personal, but that’s just who you are and you’ll let him know if one day for whatever reason you are not fine. If you’re feeling generous you can ask him to do the same, but that is a potential commitment.
Show him your Warhammer figurines
Gotta be careful with this; I showed a coworker some models I painted once and he loved them and now makes me feel bad because he’ll ask what I’ve done recently and it’s always nothing haha
You are this way because you are maintaining professionalism. Your coworker is being unprofessional by over sharing. Set your boundaries fast and firm.
There’s something called “The Grey Rock Method” you may want to check out. This link is just from a quick search, there may be better sources out there:
This is what OP has been doing.
You’re not responsible for meeting this man’s needs. You don’t need to trick him. “Please leave me alone.” If he does not do this simple thing, then you have not committed any offence and you can train yourself not to feel bad about it. You already meditate, so you might make your tendency to feel bad about this into a object of meditation.
Unfortunately, you can’t control his behavior. He might still try to sit down next to you and talk to you about things that don’t interest you. I don’t know what more you can do than ask him to stop doing this and hope he complies. “Please stop doing this. I’m just not interested. I prefer to be alone.” It is compassionate to say nothing more than this.
As for why you’re like this, that’s very likely because someone taught to you to care about other people’s feelings and didn’t teach you that their feelings are not your fault. This seems pretty common.
The stories you tell yourself about why he does this and the stories you tell yourself to explain your own behavior… they probably don’t help you much, do they?
Peace.
