Make a charitable donation in their name, and put it in a card. This is actually genuine as you spent actual money, but it’s also kind of an anti-gift. Sometimes the donation even gives you a free gift like a calendar or T shirt which you can pass along. Some people may be triggered by specific charities like The Satanic Temple, or Planned Parenthood. I would be quite upset if somebody gifted me a PeTa donation. But in that unlikely event, I would laugh and gift them back a Heifer International donation.

I think something that goes against their personality. Someone who hates the spotlight give an improv class, someone who’s afraid of heights a rock climbing class, for picky eaters a food tasting, I hate listening to instructions so I hate yoga so if you got me a yoga class. Even better if you go with them so they can’t back out. It’s easy to say I wanted to get you out of your shell and thought you would like it if you tried it.

Get them soap and instructions about maintaining proper hygiene.

One trick I heard is to get them a gift card towards a Las Vegas vacation. If they go to Vegas they are way more likely to lose money than win at the tables.

The best way is the one where you know lots of (not so well-known) context and circumstances, and then it can work as an insult, but you can deny some of the knowledge and therefore you can appear innocent.

Birthdays: birthday cake flavored vodka (implies they are a drunk)

Something utterly meaningless, like a bag of generic candy, from the closest corner store “wrapped” only in that store’s type of plastic bags, clearly purchased last-minute on your way over to them. As they unwrap it you slip an “oh, I forgot to take that” and snatch up the receipt that you’ve forgotten in the bag, but only after they’ve seen that the item was on sale for $0.99.

You could get them a bag of dicks

A gym membership. Implies overweight.

Makeover service. Implies not looking so good.

If you know a right-wing prepper, get them a subscription to Mother Earth News, a magazine that touts self-sufficiency and off-grid living with occasional ads that lean to conspiracy theories like “free energy”. It’s full of food saving and growing ideas. It’s also liberal AF.

Charitable donation in their name to an organization they likely oppose, but not “in your face”. Like if they’re republican, don’t donate to a blatantly liberal org, donate to one that teaches kids critical thinking skills and welcomes lgbtq or something like that. They get the tax writeoff, a real benefit, but would have to be visibly hateful of they rejected where the money went.

Gift tickets to a nice cultural event to someone that is anti-lgbtq. Local city playhouse has an Opera with lots of men in tights.

Any subscription or service that makes potential commentary on personal appearance or personal beliefs would be effective.

Someone called it insulting once when I donated all my socks that didn’t have a second sock.

xs condom and a blow-up doll

“Oops I forgot” is a powerful weapon here: condoms for a buddy who’s trying for a baby, funny dog meme for a person whose dog just died, gift certificate to romantic restaurant for someone who just broke up with their partner, etc. They can’t prove you didn’t forget about their issue

Gift them a panda.

At one workplace secret Santa (which I always declined to participate in), one recipient got an empty spherical clamshell with cardboard retainer on which was printed the word “Nothing”, visible through the clamshell. The joke being that it was supposed to be “I didn’t know what to get you, so I got you nothing.”

This was not intended as an insult by the secret Santa, but was taken as one by the recipient who must have spent significantly more on whatever their recipient got.

Only you can judge how your recipient would take such a gift, but if this seems like a good idea to you you can probably find them on sale somewhere. (NB: I accept no responsibility if you choose this course of action.)

If I remember correctly, one of the recipients of a better gift thought it was funny so swapped their gift with it to cheer up the unhappy recipient. I am not sure if the swapper was their secret Santa or not.

There had been much offence, pouting and sulking… from a grown man.