An awful day. One of the worst. And all from my own actions and unrealistic expectations. I guess I just needed to type this out.

I blew up so hard earlier. I hate myself. Spent time in the mirror looking myself straight in the eyes listing all the things I truly hate about myself. I didn’t recognize the person I was looking at. I’m so exhausted of this cycle. How many times have I been in this same exact place? I feel so trapped with myself. I’m losing hope that medication will help. This is how I’ve always been and I don’t see how I can get better. I can have spurts of feeling better. But I’m so far from where I should be and seem to be getting worse. The only thing I’ve been consistent at in my life is fucking things up.

I really wish I could die. I don’t think I can kill myself. Not with my wife. Not with the dogs. Someday if there is a situation where those are not in my life, then maybe. Hopefully? I think back to when we put each of our dogs down and wish someone could do that for me. Inject me with something that will make me feel a calm that I have never experienced. Let me lay there on my living room floor for 5 minutes experiencing it as I fall asleep. Then stop my heart. That is fucking peace.

I need to work on expectations. I don’t know where they come from, why they change so much, or how to tell when they are unrealistic.

I’m so mad at myself for bailing on motorcycle class today. What the fuck was that about. Fucking coward. It wasn’t that I was scared. I was getting mad and frustrated that I was bad. Everyone else was riding in a straight line and it looked like I never rid a bicycle before. I felt myself getting so worked up and wanted nothing but to leave. I almost started crying on the motorcycle when the instructor was trying to help me. Then as I’m walking to the car after I turned my helmet in, I don’t think I’ve felt that level of shame or regret before. What a failure. Why do I just quit everything now?

But I started the day poorly. Woke up with plenty of time, but spent 20 min on my fucking phone. Then scrambling for safety glasses I didn’t prep. Scrambling to pack food. My wife had to get a water bottle for me and I still forgot it. Going around the house at 7am screaming because I’m not prepared for something I set 6 weeks ago. Then I get there and am just in the wrong state of mind, like fucking usual. A lot of times I can snap out of it but I didn’t.

Then get home and fucking snap. Screaming in my room. Bawling. Throwing things. Fucking kill me. Scaring my wife. Scaring the dogs.

I feel so toxic. So much hatred for things. For myself. The hate doesn’t linger but I let it consume me when it’s there. It comes in such strong waves. I think I’m constantly just failing to meet these made up and unrealistic expectations for myself. Then I just lash out at whatever I can.

Now I’m not at the family gathering scheduled 6 months ago. Another thing to add to the list that I hate myself for today. When my wife left she said something like she would stay home with me if I wanted. I felt so bad for not going with her. I told her no she needs to go. She’s the one that planned the damn thing. She told me she loves me and I said I don’t know why. What an asshole.

I feel so immature. So weak. So small. I feel so wrong. Incorrect. I don’t fit in. I make chaos for myself and bounce between one man made disaster to another. I’ve burned so many bridges this year. Lost my friends. Lost my job. I hate myself.

Now I don’t know what to do. have a headache from crying all morning. I’m starving. Absolutely starving. I don’t feel like eating. How do I just roll on to other things after a day like this. Another day like this.

  • AddLemmus@lemmy.mlEnglish
    0·
    2 months ago

    Relatable. Fuzzing around going to an appointment early in the morning with poor preparation is one of the worst things about it. Being in place X at time Y, having packed A,B,C and being showered and dressed appropriately is something I’m struggling with. For decades, I thought the reason was that I’m just an assclown.

    A typical day can feel like a series of appointments, to which I show up late, unshowered and sweaty, stammering my excuses, getting scolded and doing some kind of sad clown performance.

    A perspective that helps me sometimes: It’s all just a quest to keep the pets alive and well, in a world of arbitrary rules and events.

    Regarding the specific water bottle thing: The only thing that helps me is to place these things BLOCKING the door.

    But indeed, Modafinil got me in a state where I could handle normal everyday things like that with ease like normal people. Had to stop it due to handling side effects poorly and hoping for new meds next month. Try to find the right thing for your specific situation. Like others pointed out, it might be an anti-depressant, can’t tell from just one text.

    Over the years, I actually managed to change my inner monologue narrative. When a day like yours happens, I pat myself on the back and say: Pretty impressive how you pushed to the absolute personal limit, even towards a goal that turned out to be too high.