I just got out of a 10+ year relationship a couple months ago, rather suddenly and not of my own volition. I do not fault my former partner, she did what she felt she had to do to be happy. Unfortunately, turns out, I didn’t really have any friends of my own, I was just a hanger-on to her group. I have done a bad job of keeping in touch with anyone outside of this group, and I find myself very lonely nowadays.
Things have been tough for me for this and several other reasons the last couple years, and while I am incredibly thankful for my family taking me back in and supporting me while I get back on my feet, they can’t be the only people I interact with. That said, how does one actually accomplish this? I’m pushing 40, I live in a rural area (30 minute drive to anything that isn’t run and populated by out-and-out racists), and I’m broke as hell. I’m not particularly even interested in dating, just making some new friends and not being so lonely all the time. Where can you go and what can you do nowadays that doesn’t cost a bunch of money and people are willing to talk to strangers? Internet or IRL, I suppose, but IRL is better because God I need to get out of the house more.
If your local library isn’t too far, you could go there. Most public library’s have events or clubs they host, ours has it all on a corkboard near the door so people can see what’s coming up. If you pick one, you know what the other people in it are interested in (for the hours they’re at the club or event anyway) and you can use that as a starting point. If one club or event doesn’t work for you, try a different one next time, you’ll most likely meet a whole new bunch of people with a different topic of interest.
Join a “fun league” sports team, take a community arts course, go to church, work for a volunteer organization, just to name a few ideas.
Nextdoor.com is mostly a shitshow. But I’ve had good luck asking the locals for recommendations on local businesses and community activities and events.
Step 1 - Move to Cleveland.
That’s it. There is no step 2. Everytime I leave the house, all I hear is “Oh, hey! I like your jacket!” Or “Heeeey, you know what time it is!!!” (as said as I’m carrying a 24 pack).
Or “Whats goin’ on my brotha from anotha motha???”
I’m not particularly social, so I just fake my way through these interactions. But it’s my understanding that 260K people (or whatever Cleveland has) are all one big social group, and we all go out drinking every day.
Except I don’t really like being around strangers. So I just power through and get home quickly. But I’m sure you could have a 2 hour talk with any rando on the street.
short question - do you mean Cleveland, OH, or Cleveland, TN, or Cleveland, TX, or Cleveland, GA?
Yes.
Cleveland is actually located in a pocket dimension. Ohio, Tennessee, Texas, and Georgia (US) have portals into the Cleveland dimension.
Fun fact: Cleveland is named so because a wizard cleaved a rift in space-time and built a city inside the cleave.
Sounds nice actually. Everyone here stays inside because it is hot right now.
Currently 72F. Scattered clouds, but it’s not going to rain today.
Aside from some of the other things people have already mentioned, going to or volunteering for various festivals and conventions can be a great way to meet random people and get out of the house. If you’re volunteering you’re more likely to end up meeting more local-ish people (like from whatever nearest Metro area the event is occurring in since you said you’re super rural).
Even if you don’t meet any cool new friends you want to stay in touch with, they can be a ton of fun and are a great reason to get out of the house. I’ve ended up having some really amazing experiences that I absolutely never thought possible just because I got out and went to Conventions (mostly anime or game conventions for me, but there are all kinds).
That’s the neat part.
Most of the friends I’ve made after age 22 were people I worked with or people I met through dating apps. We’d go out and decide we didn’t want to date, but we liked each other enough to form friendships. The friend who I’m hanging out with next week is a former coworker. The one I’m slated to hang with after that is also a former coworker. But only two of the jobs yielded good friendships. Other places that I worked I might go to lunch with certain people, but nothing lasting came of it because I had a long commute to work and they lived in that area.
Others already suggested meetup and I know a friend had success with that. Or join hiking groups or amateur sport groups maybe like disk golf? Good luck!
First, you start a cult…
If I had the charisma and the sociopathy to start a cult, I wouldn’t have this issue, lol.
then join one!
So in the vein of no stupid questions I’m going to ask you a stupid question. It sounds like you didn’t particularly value the relationships you used to have with your “friends in law”. Do you actually want to meet people to build friendships with, or do you feel socially pressured to do so? I’m here to remind you that you’re not required. A preference for solitude is perfectly fine.
Maybe you don’t have that preference in which case others have written up some good advice, but don’t feel guilt. Maybe getting to know yourself for a while is a good thing. It’ll make any attempts at bonding with others in the future easier and more rewarding.
I appreciate this, thank you, and it’s not a stupid question. A few years ago, I would have probably expressed a preference for solitude, but since 2019 or so I’ve been struggling with some mental health issues and I have found that being alone leads to real danger for me. Not to say it’s bad for everyone, but I was unhealthy when I was alone all the time.
I’ve never had many friends, but I thought I had a few good ones. I think I overestimated my value to my friends, and undervalued keeping up with them outside of scheduled events and whatnot. That’s on me. I also think a lot of it is that they feel awkward. She’s been friends with most of them since they were children, I’ve known them for the last 20 years or so. It’s complicated. I think if I showed up destitute on their doorstep they’d take me in, but they’ve notably stopped talking to me or inviting me to events, likely because they know she’ll be there.
Organized hobbies have been the key for me. Gives me a place to go, forces me to be minimally social, but can allow for multiple events so the pressure is reduced to make the most of every outing. Plus you have something else you’re enjoying. Everyone’s recommendations of sports or gaming falls right in line with this. But I have other hobbies I love like woodworking that I can find places to take classes and meet people. The other benefit is the more you do it the more you get used to be out among people again and it can be less awkward/anxiety inducing.
So first of all let me tell you that it does indeed depend on where you live. So it would have been very useful information if you had stated where you live. Since you didn’t state it, I assume it’s in the US, since for some reason, people in the US never seem to see the need to state that they live in the US (not all of us do).
Secondly, I really am sorry for your situation. There’s a lot of wrong things with society. One of those things is that it’s difficult to meet new people. Another, in my opinion, just as bad thing, is that one has to drive. Basically, people didn’t drive before 1800. Driving is the exception in history. I don’t see how or why people think these days that it’s completely normal to drive, or to have to drive. This has nothing to do with your post, but it’s still something that I’m thinking about. Sorry for the random side-rant.
Thirdly, I have found that it’s often best to search for like-minded people, and just randomly go to them, say to them “hey, can I sit with you”, wait a few seconds, and if they agree, sit down and just say “hi” and “i’m [insert name] and i’m from [insert location] and i’m looking for [insert any random hobby or activity you like]”. most people react by either agreeing or declining, and such is life.
Me too! I live across the world but I feel this is more and more of a problem in a world that people only want to stay online.
I thought about creating some game group for 40yos in some simple game that allow everyone to chat… but I didn’t knew anyone to begin it🤣
Crazy response coming - I’m around all the time and I actually enjoy meeting people. Living with a disability I don’t go out much except with my wife and son when we can. Other than that I don’t socialize but I would love to. So, in all sincerity, DM me anytime. Also open for video chat.
:-)
- Help coach a kid’s sports league.
- Volunteer at the local library or senior home.
- Help clean roads / rivers / environment.
- Learn mixology and become a bartender at a local hangout.
- Pick up exercise/sports and look for others into it. Baseball, bowling, running, hunting, hiking, biking, flag football, etc.
- Tutor ESL.
There are lots of ways to connect with others without having to spend a lot of money. As long as you go in without an expectation of a specific outcome. Just go with the flow, be open to new experiences, and see what happens.
