A 1ft tungston cube
A fleshlight.
An MRE. When supplies dwindle, our protagonist is faced with a tragic choice.
The severed head of a man named Wilson.
Oooh, the dead body of Owen Wilson.
Or the frustratingly unkillable body of Wade Wilson (Deadpool)
HEADPOOL!
The biggest, most monstrous dildo you can find.
He never uses it. Just befriends it and talks to it like in the original. Just leave the possibility hanging there.
And instead of Wilson, it can be called Doc, or Dr Johnson. (Having a name like bad dragon seems a stretch, maybe baddra?)
For the entire duration, he can’t work out what it actually is because it’s such a weird shape and so ridiculously huge that it being a dildo never even crosses his mind
Latex fist.
Me. I’ll play Wilson. Listen idk what the fuck that last guy was doing but my take on this character is gonna be a hit, you’ll see
A bowling ball. Can change some of the script so he catches it before it rolls off the raft but he falls in the water with it. He’s too heavy and weak to make it back to the raft so he has to let go and watch it immediately sink or he’s taken under too (also a good reference how it’s hard to save someone from drowning when you’re near drowning yourself). Definitely thought of a dildo first till I saw everyone else put it up though.
A tennis ball.
Magic 8-Ball
This time Wilson can kinda sorta actually talk back.
Coconut would be believably available on the island, and you could have a whole arc when he runs out of water and fights over killing his friend to drink the juice, like a schizophrenic episode
Plus the sexual tension.
Step-coconut what are you doing?
couch cushion
This is inexplicably the best answer yet. Everyone else is working so hard to think outside the box that the box is inside-out.
Plus, now you can include a love scene.
I have absolutely zero interest in making this movie political.
Then I’d go with airplane seat cushion instead.
The couch cushion works fine. Couch cushions appear in real-life situations all the time and simply having one in the movie cannot be construed as making a statement on the kind of conduct that we as a nation are willing to accept from our vice-presidential candidates.
A furby or tickle me Elmo.
Wilson from House M.D., who, after surviving cancer, decided to retire from oncology and live as a recluse on a desert island.
Miss Piggy.
Couch
Starring JD Vance