Turns out the reply in my thread telling me the best way to combat not caring about Linux is to care about Linux was absolutely correct.
I picked up a laptop, installed Linux Mint Cinnamon, and I’m already obsessed. I haven’t had this much fun with a PC in a long time and it’s just a cheapo Dell Inspiron 3520.
I don’t mind older/thicker/heavier tech so i have an x230 with the 7 row keyboard swap and extended batteries. it’s not for everyone, but for me, it’s what peak performance looks like